... just chillin

08.12.2003 // 9:05 am


Okay. So just between you and me I really did think my hiatus would be much longer, but as it turns out, all I needed was lil bit of distance and now I'm just kinda chillin.

I am a little suspect about how easily this happened, and I can honestly say I don't even know how it happened, but DC is out of my system. I swear to you. He is. It was like I sat down and started to think about how much I put into this and how little he puts into it and just decided not to care anymore. Just like that. I know that seems very hard to believe, but it literally happened over night. I was talkin to Dookey one day and told him, "Yo, I think I'm over dude." He was so sweet. He pretended like he was all excited about it. I know he was thinkin, "This heffa ain't over shit, but I'm gon just go 'head and support her lil fantasy." I know I shocked, and continue to shock, him by not wavering at all. But it's all good. I know he's rootin for me and that's why he's still president of my Street Team. LMAO!

Anyway, on a much sadder note, or at least it seemed sad it the time, Cali is out of my life forever. I wasn't able to spend any time with him after that first night I went to the room. It wasn't for a lack of trying. Shit just kept coming up, so we never really got to do the "friend" thing during that week. We did talk on the phone alot, but that's just not the same. So on his final night here, it's 3:00 in the morning and we're on the phone and he's explaining how the project he kept coming here to work on is complete now. That means he really won't be coming back to the city anytime soon... probably ever.

Now, I knew that this would be the ultimate outcome. At one point, he was talking about quiting the job and moving to Texas anyway. So this shouldn't have really come as a surprise. But I guess hearing that shit out loud was a shock to my system or something, because before I knew it I was crying. I couldn't even tell you why. I just remember saying, "So in actuality I'll probably never see you again." A car was coming to take him to the airport at 9:00 that morning and that would be it. That's when the tears came.

What's funny is that if we had never had that conversation and yet he never came back here, I think it would have been fine. I think it really was just the finality of the sitiuation.

Today you're here. Tomorrow it's like you never existed at all.

I went to bed at 4:00 am. I woke up at 5:00. I left my house at 6:00. By 7:00 I was in his hotel room. Looking back I think I would have been better off staying home, only because the drama factor would have been much less. The minute I got there I laid down in his bed, on my stomach, and just cried. I didn't sob, but the tears just kept coming and coming. He talked to me and rubbed my back the entire time, but they still wouldn't stop. Two hours after I got there the front desk calls to let him know his car has arrived. At that point I have to walk away... literally. It would have been much easier to say our goodbyes over the phone, I think. It prolly woulda been sad or whatever, but leaving the room was actually painful. That shocked me too.

He set his boundaries from day one, yet it seemed like I was the only one really trying to respect them and maintain a necessary distance. So for me to cry like a baby over having to walk away from him... I never would have predicted that. But that's what happened. And now he's gone.

Joke of the day: I told DC bout what happened... cuz now we just cool like dat. Here this nicca go, "Damn. You cried for dude infront of dude? Yo... you ain't cry when I left NYC, Nicca! I don't remember seein you all balled up on the bed and shit! Damn shame."

What's da matter wit him Lawd?? LMAO!!!


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