... thoroughly disgusted

12.12.2003 // 12:01 pm


He left for Philly today. So of course he called me last night and made casual conversation. For over an hour, I sat there and listened. He called from his house. He hasn't done that in a while. I guess she wasn't home.

It didn't really matter though. I wasn't even thinkin bout that at the time. I'm "um hmm-ing" and "yeah yeah-ing" all through the convo, but the whole time I'm really just trying to figure out what the fuck is the hold this nicca has over me! I knew what I wanted from day one, and now that I have an opportunity to have exactly that, I'm buggin out. I've decided to go back to school after my grant is up here at my new job. So I'm looking at schools all over, ri? Why the fuck am I going out of my way to avoid the entire DC/Maryland area?!!! Ain't even tryin to be no where near there! That shit is crazy. I mean, this a decision that could have an extremely profound effect on what I do with whatever's left of my life. Why should the location of my school be at all informed by where he lives and works? I don't understand why I'm even thinking like this. I went from being confused to scared to angry. And now, I'm just thoroughly disgusted. Sometimes I just hate myself so much.


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