.

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... he's a big boy

12.15.2003 // 11:07 am

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Sat 12.13.03 1:00 pm: DC's in Philly. I text him that I'm bored. He answers that he is too and wishes I could drive down to Philly.
Sat 12.13.03 ~10:00 pm: I turn my cell phone off.
Sun 12.14.03 1:45 am: DC txtmsgs me. "I'm on my way. What's up?"
Sun 12.14.03 11:35 am: DC txtmsgs me. "So am I going to see you or what?"
Sun 12.14.03 4:07 pm: DC txtmsgs me. "So you don't want to see me huh man..."

Okay... here are my issues with this shit here. First of all, I clearly stated to him last week that while he would be in Philly, I would be in Saratoga, so where the hell was he goin??

Secondly, my phone was turned off, so I got none of these txtmsgs until Sunday night. He couldn't have been that pressed to see me though, cuz he didn't bother to call my house or my cell and leave a message on the voicemail. And I did check my voicemail all day. No messages. Now had he done that, he might have a legitimate beef about me not returning txtmsgs or not wanting to see him. But since he didn't, he can't riff. (Oh and he will riff... once he finishes pouting.)

The next thing is, why would you drive 2 hrs in the complete opposite direction from where you live without having a conversation with the person you were supposedly coming to see??? And if he actually did make his way up here, I'm quite sure he wasn't idling outside in the middle of the snow hopin I would happen to come strolling by. I'm sure he found something/someone to do between text messages to me.

Lastly, why do I care that he's upset with me now? And, oh yeah, he is definitely pissed. I called him early this mornin, and left a message. Mutha fucka never even bothered to call me back. He can be so self-absorbed sometimes... shit, most of the time. You know why I'm really angry? I'm angry that I care about his feelings and he doesn't show me the same consideration. I make excuses for his behavior yet he is so quick to believe the worst of me. I shouldn't even care that he feels mad or annoyed or hurt or whatever the fuck he feels. I shouldn't care, but I do and it's pissing me the fuck off! I baby him, because I know his history and knowing all that I do forces me to care. So do I coddle him? Yes... much more than I should... more than he deserves. Still, I feel compelled to do it. But you know what? He's a grown ass man, and he needs to start acting like one. Muthafuckas can't throw tantrums everytime they don't get their way and think that that shit is gonna fly all the damn time. It's not. I got off the phone with Bleek last night and had the only knot in my stomach. For real, I was shook. I'm thinkin, "Damn, how can I make this right? He's gonna be mad at me. Blah Blah Blah". So I woke up this mornin and called. I thought about it all night and decided I wouldn't, but did anyway. But you know what? That's is the full extent of the effort I intend to put forth.

I am so tired. I'm serious. I feel the weight of this shit clear through to my bones. I hurt all the damn time. This shit is not a good look for me. For real. Me and DC used to have this running joke where I told him that he makes me feel 4 -- as in 4 years old. For me, 4 is perfect. You're officially a big girl, but still cute enough to bat your eyelashes and git your way sometimes. Old enough to care about things like clothes and hair and being pretty, but still egocentric enough to think that blue and pink and orange is a fly ass combination and you really don't care what anybody else thinks. I don't feel like that anymore -- like the wrongness of what I feel is somehow dimished by the fact that he feels it too and that love can't be wrong and that secrets are okay. It seems like its been a million years since I've felt that way about us and what we supposedly share.

I'm not calling him back. I won't make any promises beyond that. I'm tired of making promises to myself and then breaking them, so I'll just stick with that. Today I won't call him. He calls what we have a friendship? Well, if he values it at all, he's gonna have to stop the bullshit and make this right. And I'm not helpin out this time either. Shit. He's a big boy.

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