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Oct. 13th to Nov. 18th of 07

11.29.2008 // 3:35 pm

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10.13.07 2:27 am.
Coal called me in tears. He asked if I was sleeping and I said, "Yes." But then I could hear his voice break as he said, "I'm sorry... I just need somebody to talk to real quick." He didn't come to work today. He was in the hospital all day with his mom. At this point, Mama B. can't do anything on her own. She can't get out of bed. She can't walk. She needs help to do everything. Coal was sobbing as he told me she's been moving her bowels on herself all day because she just can't control it anymore. She'll say she thinks she needs to go and before Coal can even get to her, it'll happen. The chemo is reaking havoc on her body. She's embarassed and angry and has been vascillating between crying and yelling at him in anger. I feel so bad for him. She is not doing very well at all and it hurts him so much to see her like this.

His brother is another story. She told Coal with her own mouth, "Your brother doesn't love me... not like you do." Coal has told me some shady shit his brother has done but I never thought in a situation that was life and death he would still think about himself before he thought about Coal or his own mother. He actually lied to his wife and told her that he was at the hospital visiting his mom when in reality he was at his mother's house with his mistress! I swear, Coal wanted to kill him that night. He wouldn't dare bring a woman there when his mother was healthy at home. It's like he's trying to benefit from the freakin cancer. Mind you, he argues with Coal about even coming to the hospital to help out with taking care of her! He acts like if Coal is there he doesn't have to go. But my question is why wouldn't he WANT to be there? That's his mother!

This nicca don't even work. His wife supports him and their two children. If Coal didn't work he'd be in that room with Mama B. 24/7. He's there about 8 hours a day as it is. His brother hardly comes and when he does he doesn't even stay in the room with her. The mistress lives near the hospital, so he visits her and plus he knows folks that work in the hospital. So he ends up going all over the place socializing with different people. Coal and Mama B. believe that the time he does put in at her bedside is only out of concern about his cut of her life insurance money.

Mama B. took out a $200,000 policy for each of them, but also has a separate one for $100,000 just for Coal. Big Brother is sticking around because he's concerned about getting his cut. Coal said right now he doesn't even wanna deal with him. He told me, "Right now I'd trade my brother for any of my friends in the street." How deep is that??

Coal is paying all the bills for his mom. He's with her before he comes to work and then after work he goes back. He's not sleeping. He's not eating. He's a flashy dude but he hasn't had a haircut in I don't know how long. He told me, "Mac this is really weighing on me right now," and I can tell. He tries so hard to front like everything is normal but its not and its getting harder for him to hide it.

He's in some of the worst kinda pain right now and I'm doing my best to be a comfort to him, but, honestly, it feels really strange. From the beginning, I've fought so hard to maintain a safe distance emotionally and now I feel so... I don't know. Am I just here to listen because I'm convenient and I take his calls at times when his other female/females won't? I'm trying not to think like that. I know that this moment is so much bigger than me and my ego and this half-assed non-relationship we've got going on. Still, I can't help but wonder sometimes... I've felt like a nobody for so long... why am I around?

10.18.07
Intimate with Coal. I had immediate regrets as I went home.

10.27.07
Mama B. came home from the hospital today. I'm scared. Her passing seems emminent and Coal is so fragile even now.

10.30.07
Last month my period was regular. This month the night of the 28th produced only minor spots w/ a lil bit of stuff. Not dark as usual. Put in a tampon around 10pm on the 29th and slept w/ it all night. I just took it out and there was barely anything there. I don't wanna panic so early, but I'm gonna check it out for sure just to be safe.

Nevermind... It turned regular. Crisis averted. Whew! I wonder how Coal would feel... Mama B. passin would change his money drastically. But would I want to have to interact w/ the other one at all? Nah man. I need to just wipe that fckn thought right outta my brain.

10.31.07
Body resurfaced again. He has 2 jobs now and an apt in my neighborhood. (Oh joy... not.) Coal heard me talkin to him and pretended to be jealous. I told him it would only be a matter of time before we had one of those conversations we had before... him saying he doesn't want what I want yet making it hard for me to walk away. If anything is gon make it hard it will be his mom passing. I don't even wanna think about it right now... for real. Oh... Body claims the owner of Coogie just gave him a bunch of free stuff and a contract after seeing him and he was all dirty from work. Then he gave him passes to some party tonight that Larry Flint is throwing. He claimed he wasn't interested in going. Why do niccas lie for no reason??

11/9/07
EVERYONE CAME OUT OF THE WOODWORK THIS WEEK! DC... Body... Dread... FatPsycho... and this guy I met online we'll call Drama.

Coal said some shit that brought me full fuckin circle. In 10 days it will be a year since I supposedly ended this shyte. Today he made me feel so bad I know I'm gonna end up breaking it for good. Before it was little shyte that just piled up. I got overwhelmed and bailed. But I missed him so much that it was easy to fall back into it. It was never as tender as it was before but I was ok with it cuz I had him at arms length and it wasn't about loving him anymore. (Damn... I never said that word in that context before.) Whatever. It was a nut... an infrequent one at that. It was about a close friendship that I thought I was okay with. Well.... today he tells me that his son was rifiling through some shyte in his car and the BM saw my picture and asked who I was. He said, "A teacher from the school." Then he looked at his son like,"yo nicca... u causin problems. What's wrong with you." Lil Coal just turned 5... or is it six. I don't know. All I know is he kept asking about coming to see me this weekend and all I wanted to do was cry. I hate that he lies to me. But what I hate even more is the fact that I pretend not to know I'm being lied to. This is not abut him not wanting a relationship. It's about not wanting a relationship with me.

Same shit happened on Wednesday. Body came with me to the dentist. While I'm waiting to be seen a chick called and he had a whole convo and then at the end tried to pretend it was a family member. Theeeeeen he asked for money at the train when I was leaving. I told him no, laughed and got in the fck train. As if!

11.18.07
I felt like shyte today. Coal called and I let him come over. He got what he came for, but for m it was painful and injurous... physically. It hurt like hell and half-way through, I started to bleed. (A sign? Maybe.) We talked a little bit afterwards. It was somewhat cathartic for Coal and totally doubt inducing for me. He believes guys fall for girls that remind them of their mother. Apparently that is the case here. He says he sees alot of Mamma B. in me... a lot of hair, beautiful smile, dark skin. It made me wonder about the BM, but I didn't ask.

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