Dec. 4th to Dec. 15th of 07

11.29.2008 // 3:53 pm


I got into a shyte load of trouble today at work and I think a letter may have gone in my file today. I swear, I don't want to go back to that place. Between this shyte with Coal and dealing with all the backstabbers and now this crap... I just wanna be out. I was trying to leave today and Coal was trying to get frisky. I ended up leaving. He is so much less than I wanted him to be and I, as usual, am settling for less than I deserve...

Fastforward to the new one I met last Thursday.... "TJ". I call him that cuz this nicca got THREE jobs! He works so hard. He is 10 years younger than me... a fact I have made a conscious decision to ignore. We talked three times and, so far, he seems pretty nice. He has a few issues but over all he's okay.

Went on a sponteaneous date with TJ after work. He is really nice. Of course I'm a little leary cuz they all seem nice at first. But so far so good. Oh.... I almost forgot about the icing on the cake... THIS NICCA PULLED UP RIGHT NEXT TO COAL'S CAR SO HE SAW ME GET IN AND DRIVE AWAY! Ahhh... isn't life grand? LMMFAO!!! He made me feel like such a piece of nothingness for the past few days! Catching attitude like I OWED him some ass! I like how I am able to shift gears so easily when it comes to him. If anything positive came out of this its that I am just a tad colder than I once was... apparently a necessary trait if I don't want to keep getting shitted on be these fools.

No TJ on Sunday but he called twice last night. Luckily I had a fever and couldn't talk to anybody. Less accessible can be good. I saw him hanging out on the corner with his friends around 5:30 so when he called at 7:00 it was a lil anticlimactic.

No Coal yesterday. I can't go back to that. No matter what happens I absolutely can not go back to that.

Called TJ to wish him happy bday. He seemed pleasantly surprised but made sure to tell me he's not into bdays and xmas and vday and all that. Hmmm... that's definitely gon be a problem. I haven't spent all this time with Coal just to get with another cold ass mofo. Dude already tol me he aint really the "touchy feely" type. Lets see if I bail on this one like I know I should.

No Coal again today. I hate that this bugs me stilllllll. Grrrr.

I was going to a dental appointment today and, not thinking, I end up getting a 60$ fine for walking through an open gate and not swiping my metro card. I hate my life sometimes. I really really do.

Coal returned. I ran away before I needed to actually speak to him. Avoidance is the best I can do at the moment.

Oh... and the fat/crazy one (aka Grimace) is apparently trying to punish me for not wanting him. I been steady tellin dude I got a man (I know... but lying is just easier) but he still keep tryin to act like he just wanna be friends. So cool... I let him drive me home when it's fckin cold outside or whatever. No biggie. He CLAIMED he enjoyed doing it just cuz he was a nice guy that likes to do favors for friends. Oh yeah? Well I guess he figured out that I'm NEVER gonna give him any and now his new sht is waiting until I'm about 2 blocks from where I would usually run into him, calling me on my cell phone, babbling some irrelevant bullshit and then casually mentioning that he just saw me walk by. See... that's the shit that makes me wonder whether or not that muther fckr bleeds every month like I do! That's some old petty female bullshit! I was just on the phone and on my way home today when he called me "just to see how [I] was doin." How am I doin? How'm I doin?? I'm cold, Bitch! Waddle your ass outside and give me a fckn ride! Don't call to ask how I'm doin! That shit pissed me off so bad, yo! Not cuz I needed a ride. There are always cars lined up over by where I go, ready to drop me home. So, the ride thing ain't major. What's pissin me off is the fact that he really thinks that his fckin raggedy ass VOLKS"FAG"ON is some hot shit that I'm missin out on! Ooohoooh I hate pissy men!

Coal was extra cold to me today. Made me wanna trip a lil but I didn't. I just picked up my phone, saw I missed a call from JT and called him back. We talked for a looong time. Then he said something that made me pause.

"I know you said you don't want a relationship and I don't want one either but..." he pauses right here and tries to abandon the thought. Too late. I push. "I don't know what I'm trying to say right now. I don't wanna say the wrong thing." More hemming and hawwing "you're a nice lady." Then the call drops and when I call back it goes straight to voicemail. His phone died. It does that a lot and today was the first time it pissed me off. He was prolly ecstatic. Saved by the bell, so to speak. He never called back and he has to be at work by 2 am so I didn't try to call back either. I won't bring it up again. If it's supposed to be discussed it will be unavoidable. I'm not gonna force it.

12.15.07 2:06am
Coal calls. He wants to know if I miss him and if the friend that picked me up from the job the other day is my "companion". (I gotta admit, sometimes he says things in a decidedly unpredictible way which really does help to boost his cuteness quotient.) I told him that it wasn't and then probed, of course. He admitted that he was of the belief that I had found someone new and had therefore just kicked him to the curb. According to him, it's happened before. (For the record, it never has happened before. I left because I was unhappy. After I left I met Brown. I didn't leave him for Brown or anyone else.) We agreed we need to talk more because there is definitely some miscommunication going on. That was a step in the right direction, I thought. More dialogue means less misunderstandings and that means a better friendship. It was all good until he said he wants to see how long I'll stay away from him this time. This time? His tone indicated that he isn't convinced that it will be very long. He sees this as a game. I don't want to seem anymore vulnerable than I already do, but I wish I could get him to see that this shyte is real to me and its hard as fck to deal with. From his perspective, Mac just has these "moments" but she always comes around to the right way of thinking... its a phase. It's not a phase. It's a daily fckin struggle and it gets harder everyday.

Confession: I really liked hearing, "Do you miss me, B? (He calls me B.) I know I miss you." Words don't mean shit. They're just words... especially coming from him to me. Yet I felt so much better after hearing that mess. Damn I am so weak sometimes.


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