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... where's the love?

05.27.2003 // 9:41 am

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I would have posted this on Friday, but dland wouldn’t let me. Here’s the conversation that “sealed the deal” for me as far as us never being able to be real friends now…

On Thursday, DC told me that he felt like one of his homeys was hatin on him. When I asked why, he told me that there was some chick he was dealin with and I guess dude had a thing for her or whatever. So, instead of sayin something about how he felt, he tried to sabotage whatever he thought DC had with her. He told shortie DC was married and then gave her the wife’s name and a full description of what she looks like. Now, This guy is someone that DC has known for years and considered to be a very very good friend. But now, DC is looking at him with suspicion because of this... and rightfully so.

So I tell him that I know it must hurt to know that someone you cared about could betray you like that. He acknowledged the hurt, but also said that he had no intentions of bringing it up to dude. I was so confused. I know if I was in his position, I’d let lil man know that he really did damage our bond. DC refused, though. He said that he would still talk to dude... probably even hang out with him. He just knows now that he’s gonna have to watch his back around him. So in essence, he would never even acknowledge the incident much less give him an opportunity to make ammends. I'm not saying he owes him the latter, but why not even bring it up to him? He's a foul friend, but that doesn't mean DC has to be as well.

Anyway, the more I thought about it, the more I felt like this decision applied to me also. He saw what happened in the room that day as a betrayal and so now he’s feedin me with a long spoon. That bothers me, not just because the quality of the friendship has suffered, but because I never ever backstabbed him. Think about it...

She called my house and hung up on me. If I was all about wreckin his home, I could have called her back then. I remember the day she called me, I kept her number in my cell so that if she ever called me back, I'd know not to answer it. Still got it. Now, when he started acting shady with me, couldn't I have used it? The point I'm trying to make is that there have been opportunities for me to do him dirty, but why would I? I care about him. Why would I want to hurt him? Yes, he hurt me, but I knew what I was in for when I when I agreed to be the extra butta... besides, an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, right? So I feel like I did the right thing by remaining unchanging... a constant inspite of his behavior after that day, hoping he might eventualyy see that I'm not his enemy. Shit man. I never ever wanted to be in this position, but somehow I found myself here and learned to adjust... to settle. I'm not sayin I'm a saint. All I'm sayin is that through out this whole thing there's been no malice in my heart and that should be worth something. A friend told me I seem angry. He's right. I am angry. And even though my anger may not seem justified, I can't help how I feel.

A while back DC accused me of "taking our friendship for granted". In a conversation, I had told him that I decided that he should not come to New York for fear that something more than a friendship might develop. He got really upset with me... said I had no right to dictate how the relationship would be and the just assume that he was okay with it. We were supposed to make those kinds of decisions together, if for no other reason, than out of mutual love and respect. I bought it. But look at what he's done now... in one fell swoop he completely changed the parameters of this thing without so much as a legitimate explanation, basically leaving me to disect and inspect every word.. every nuance.. every vocal inflection to try and piece together what the hell is happening to us... to me.

He’s doin me the same way he doing his man and that’s fucked up. Anyone that knows me, especially him, knows that I hate to be shut out... to have my voice taken away from me. Yet, that’s exactly what he did. He knew it would hurt me and that's why he did it.

So... where's the love?

xxoxo... macdiva

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