... he doesn't care
05.22.2003 // 3:00 pm
I locked and unlocked and relocked this damn journal a gazillion times today. I'm finally ready to write about what happened when he came here last month and all of a sudden, I had this overwhelming urge to lock it up.
Actually, that's a lie. It wasn't all of a sudden. We had a conversation today that "sealed the deal" for me in a major way. I'll give you all the details of that some other time. But the point is, today I realized I can't be his friend... at all. I've tried to be... I really have... but I can't... and he doesn't care.
The first night he was here, everything was cool... really cool. We just chilled in his hotel room. Looked at "Clockers" on cable. It was nice. It was a Sunday, so I went to bed right after the movie. I tried to anyway. We ended up kinda messin around for a while before we actually went to sleep.
Monday morning I fucked up. I initiated sex. I'm not really sure why seeing as I was totally cool with the level of intimacy at the moment. But the point is I did it. When we finally did start, we didn't use anything. It felt good, but it was short lived. I didn't "finish". Neither did he. We had no business being that irresponsible anyway, so it was okay. He left for his class and everything was fine. Monday evening is when everything got all fucked up. (Shit. I can't even see the fuckin keyboard. I think about that night and I start to cry on cue.)
So I come in from work and he's already in the room. Everything is okay for about 45 minutes. We were just chillin. Then his daughter calls. I feel a little wierd, but I brought some work home, so I figured I would just work on that and tune him out. I was doing a really good job of it until I heard his tone change. (God! This is so fuckin hard. I can't even believe it still hurts this much.)
So he's talking to her mother and well... clearly they're not just shooting the breeze. Now up until that point, I never really had to deal with the reality of the situation at hand. I knew... but I never really deal with it, I just kinda did my thing and pretended that this was something real... something more than just the bullshit he had with "her" or "them" or whoever. So again I tried to block it out. I got on my cell and I called one of my girlfriends. I must have gotten a little too loud for his liking because he eventually got up from where he was and went into the bathroom to finish his conversation. By the time he came out I was off my phone, but he didn't speak to me. Instead he made a call.
This time I was the one to go into the bathroom. He was deliberately ignoring me now. So I went in, showered, and tried to understand what the fuck was happening. I mean, it was less that 12 hours ago that we were layin in bed together lamenting the fact that we couldn't give ourselves to one another the way we wanted to and now we were both on some ole bullshit. I finally got out the shower. I'm toweling off and I can hear him still on the phone. So I'm like, damn, he still talkin? What the fuck? I come out just in time to hear him say, "I Love You" and hang up the phone.
So I freeze. I can't talk or move or anything. I just stand there. I don't know what the fuck to say or do but apparently it's not a big deal to him, because he then gets up from the chair he'd been in for most of the night, turns out the lights and then proceeds to go to bed. It wasn't long before I turned in also. But here's the kicker. He didn't touch me all night. Now when I say he didn't touch me, I mean he literally didn't touch me. In fact, there was one point in the middle of the night when his foot brushed mine by accident and he jumped clear across the bed like I was on fire or some shit.
That night was so surreal to me. It still is. I didn't sleep at all. I just laid there on my side listening to him breathe. And everytime he'd move or stir even just a tiny bit, I'd think, "Ok. He's going to touch me now. He likes to hold me when we sleep. He's going to turn over and touch me now" but he never did. He never touched me... never talked to me... nothing. (He still doesn't know just how deeply that hurt me. I don't think he ever will. It doesn't matter now anyway.)
The next morning I woke up feeling tired, confused, hurt, but most importantly, angry. How dare he reject me for having a visceral reaction to a totally fucked up situation? I know it was my choice to be there and I could have left at anytime, but still. If you care about me at all, why do shit like that in my face like I got a damn brick in my chest instead of a heart like anyone else?
Well, I had my alarm set, but I had already decided I wasn't going to work. So when it went off, I just turned it off. It went off again 15 minutes later and I did the same thing. It woke him up both times, but then he fell back asleep. Ordinarily, I might have woken him up, but the bitch in me said, "Fuck it. I can't wake ya ass up if we ain't touchin or talkin now can I?"
So I let him sleep while I watched the Today Show. He woke up 15 minutes before he needed to leave. All of a sudden he jumped up saw the time, and made the mad dash for the shower... still not speaking to me. Finally when he was dressed and about 20 min. late, he asks me as he's walk in out the door, "You ain't goin to work?" I said, no, and that was it.
I went back to Brooklyn that Tuesday morning after having come there prepared to stay the entire week, at his request mind you. We never really talked about what happened, but "we" have never been the same since. I don't gotta write that mess again. Y'all know. Y'all read about what happened afterwards... him goin back to DC early... our really cold, brief conversations since then.
It hasn't been easy, but I've been trying to make the best of things. At one point, I actually thought everything would be ok again. I've talked about this quasi-relationship, it seems like, forever. So, the issues I've struggled with are no secret. (and I know y'all sick of readin about it) I guess I just always felt like even if things didn't stay the same (and "things" rarely do) at least we would be friends. Today I realized that that isn't going to be possible.
That's so fucked up.
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