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May 17th of 08

11.29.2008 // 7:25 pm

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5.17.08
Well, it took Coal to fuckin open my eyes. Coal actually admitted to me that he just did exactly same shyte TJs friends did. He had a homeboy that was getting close to a female and he pushed the chick away because he felt like dude was spending too much time with her! He actually said to me, "Don't fight with his friends, MD. You gon lose."

I told him just enough to get the honest feedback I needed/wanted. My pride wouldn't let me admit that he already walked away from me. Truth be told, I can't believe I'm in this exact situation again. I mean, I didn't do anything wrong. According to him I was more than he ever wanted. So my reward for being Ms.Right is I swift kick in the ass?

Well, you know what? Fuck it. I give up. I'm done with this whole relationship bullshit. I'm tired of giving 100% and then being treated like I'm worthless and my feelings don't matter. At this point, I don't even see a point to feeling anyhting at all. I know that sounds crazy, but I am so serious. What is the point of putting my feelings on the line if this fucking shit is going to consistently happen to me? So... new rules... chill for as long as its fun and when I think I might start to like a nicca just bounce. They do that shit without giving it a second thought. Why can't I? Its so ironic that TJ told me that he thought I was just gonna be a bitch when he first saw me. He said I just had "that look". Yeah? Well now I got the attitude to match the fucking look.

Part of me was so filled with shame because I even went to Coal, but I don't care anymore. Part of me knew he would give me the real because he wanted me and TJ to burn. But since it already burned (he don't know that) I didn't really have anything to lose. Maybe there just isn't anybody for me. There must not be because I don't see how I can do everything right for seven months and then he just chooses to kick me to the curb.

I'm not crazy broken up like I was two weeks ago. I guess that was the preveiew so it5 kinda helped me brace myself for something I knew was coming. Or it may not even be that I was prepared for this shyte. Truth be told, I wasn't. But I think having him show me how fucked up he could be helped me see him as a lil more flawed. On May 5th, I saw him as The One. By last week he was That Guy. Obviously, I'm not there yet but, eventually, he'll become TJ Who?

(Update: He called twice around 10:00 pm. I didn't answer.)

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