... why can't I just walk away?

07.24.2003 // 2:00 pm


When you find yourself in a situation like mine, you tend to ask all the obvious questions. Then you proceed to provide yourself with all the convenient answers... the ones that make you feel good... the ones that allow you to avoid the truth.

These are the facts: DC is in a fucked up marriage. That's a fact. Period. He humps around. She humps around. They go out of their way to hurt one another. It's a mess. It really is. But what's also a fact is that no matter how much and I try to convince myself otherwise, my presence is not helping. I help him avoid dealing with the reality of his situation. And as long as he fullfills my need to feel needed, I don't have to deal with reality either.

There are times I'm filled with this overwhelming sense of fear that I'm gonna get hit by a bus or a stray bullet or some shit and wind up going straight to hell for all of this. But then there's a part of me that desperately needs to justify this whole thing.

I honestly do care about him and his wellbeing, so I can't be that bad, ri?

Bullshit. It's all bullshit. What I feel doesn't matter... or atleast it shouldn't. And every tear I've shed behind this shit is a tear I deserve to shed for even agreeing to be a part of this mess. So what if I love him? He's not mine to love. They could be havin the War Of The Roses up in that bitch. I'm not supposed to be a part of it.

What I can't understand is why is it so difficult to just walk away? I mean, It's not even like I see dude on the regular. There's no commitment. There isn't even a relationship, really. It's just this really unhealthy attachment to an unhappy guy who seems entirely willing to accept all the love and support I'm willing to give even without the promise of ever getting any of that in return. We call it a friendship, but I'm not even sure this qualifies as that. Sometimes it does, but other times it's just the most painful thing ever. And who likes pain, right? That's a basic human instinct, isn't it? Avoid death, pain and unhappiness... in that order. It's really not that complicated.

So, why can't I just walk away?


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