02.09.2004 // 12:22 pm
DC (12:21:57 PM): did i tell you wifey was pregnant
MD (12:22:01 PM): nope
DC (12:22:10 PM): but it was stuck in her tubes
DC (12:22:15 PM): so they gave her a shot that aborts it
DC (12:22:26 PM): but it's not goin away
DC (12:22:35 PM): but it's not growin either so i guess that's a good thing
DC (12:22:45 PM): i forget the technical term for it
MD (12:23:07 PM): ectopic
DC (12:23:09 PM): ri ri
"It's not goin away"
I'm not in a place where I can actually identify what I'm feeling yet. But I know I literally felt that shit in my gut...like BAM!...a straight sucka punch. I know the thoughts going through my mind were/are wrong... evil actually. I'm sure at some point I'll write what I feel. I probably should, just to get it out of me.
I want so much not to give a fuck.
This weekend I was thinkin about him in an honest way. I think it may have actually been the first time I've done that. Not think about how I want things to be, but really look at how things are. I don't understand my fixation with him yet. I'm starting to, but I'm not there yet. I have come to one conclusion though.
I don't love him.
For me, that's major. I mean, I've known for a long time that our feelings for one another were never equal, but I've always felt like this tortured victim of unrequited love. But the more I try and distance myself from my "feelings" for him, the more I realize what I feel is not love at all. I don't know what it is, but it's not love. It's not an act of love to love someone who isn't loving you back. So, I'm really looking forward to not caring at all. I know it will happen eventually. I just can't wait.
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