... a work in progress
04.24.2003 // 1:55 pm
For those of you that don't know all the details of this DC thing, I know my entries may seem a little erratic or disjointed. That's for several reasons:
Firstly, I don't write in here on as consistent a basis as I should. I keep meaning to, but sometimes I just don't have the motivation, so it just doesn't happen. Next, is the fact that sometimes I just don't have shit to say. That's not to say I don't have feelings about any particular person, situation or combination, thereof. All it means is, I don't always feel like puttin my shit out there. That brings me to the last reason... shame.
Now, "guilt" and "shame" are two very different things. I can do something I know I shouldn't have, feel guilty about it, forgive myself and then move on. That's not a problem. Shame, however, is an entirely different feeling all together. Shame is what you feel when you fuck up so bad you don't feel worthy of forgiveness, yet that's the one thing you crave. I don't think I've experienced a pain worse than that. I associate DC with those feelins now. I didn't at first, but now I do... and it breaks my heart.
So imagine having those kinda feelings, and then turning around and posting all the details of everything that inspired them on the world wide mutha fuckin web! You see my point? I pride myself on being open, and honest, and candid. I don't see the benefit in being any other way. So when all of a sudden I have an experience that tempts me to be less than that, I'd rather not post at all. Those who know me, can tell you whatever's in my heart, or on my mind usually just comes flyin right outta my damn mouth. Sometimes that's a good thing... sometimes not. I'm still workin out the kinks.
xxoxo... macdiva ....aka "a work in progress"
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