... wish me luck
11.06.2003 // 9:32 am
Remember how I said I have this bad habit of comparing niccas I meet with DC? It seems he does the same thing... compare himself with dudes I mention to him. I've been meaning to ask him why he does it, but usually decide not to explore it. I've already been accused of analyzing everything to damn much, so fuck it. Let him make comparisons. I don't even care any more.
Yesterday I was in a real funk over Cali moving back to Houston, and I couldn't figure out why. It's been a wrap since August, really. We've touched base a few times... shared a few secrets. We miss each other, but nothing is going to change. So why does his trip to Houston sting so much? I had this coveration with DC and basically he told me that he sees this situation as totally identical to the situation with him.
First of all, since April, DC's feelings have been under lock and key--- not that its a big mystery or anything. I know there's only a small fraction of the love there used to be. But I don't know that because he opened up his mouth and told me. I know because after that night in April, he basically gave me his ass to kiss. I still get upset just thinking about that night. I knew before the sun came up that we would never be the same. To tell you the truth, I hurt so bad, I though that would be the end of everything. DC tends to minimize shit, so I know I couldn't even relate this to him and have him even pretend to understand what I felt/feel.
Anyway, I say all of that to say, Cali is blunt...raw...straight to the point. It was that way from begining to end. Even when the nature of what we shared started to become more relevant to the both of us, it was clear. It was acknowledged. I didn't have to guess about anything. There was only one exception to that rule and that came to a head while we were sharing those secrets I mentioned earlier. But, that having been said, I knew from day one where I stood with Cali. It's been the exact opposite with DC.
That's why I find it so funny that he would even try and compare himself to Cali in any way. I'll give the devil the due, though. He did make a sincere attempt to support me yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn't enough. It probably will never be enough. Nothing I get from him ever is.
Today, I'll make another attempt at walking away from him. Wish me luck y'all.
Peace and Love
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