...still... no words...

03.24.2003 // 9:34 am


I never bothered to address what was said on Wednesday. What would have been the point? We didn't speak at all until Sunday. Actually, we didn't speak then either. I've stopped taking his calls. He ended up leaving a message on my voicemail babbling something about a car accident or something. I still didn't speak to him though.

He gave me the details this mornin....

dc (9:11:32 AM): sup sunshine

md (9:11:50 AM): what happened this weekend?

dc (9:12:24 AM): wifey said she was goin to the store

dc (9:12:33 AM): [daughter] cryin that she wants to go with her

dc (9:12:38 AM): she tells her no

dc (9:12:57 AM): so 2.5hrs later i get a call sayin she had just been in an accident

dc (9:13:08 AM): so i'm like are you ok blah blah blah

dc (9:13:19 AM): she's like yeah but her car is cracked up

dc (9:13:29 AM): so i'm like where are you

dc (9:13:45 AM): she ignored the ?

dc (9:13:51 AM): so i ended up askin like 3 times

dc (9:14:00 AM): then she said she was such and such

dc (9:14:02 AM): and i'm like

dc (9:14:04 AM): what's over there

dc (9:14:14 AM): she said she was on her way back from her friends house

dc (9:14:34 AM): and i'm like i thought you was goin to the store

dc (9:14:42 AM): she said she called her so she just went over there

dc (9:14:51 AM): never made it to the store

dc (9:15:02 AM): so then she says

dc (9:15:15 AM): when she had the accident the girl was on the phone with her

dc (9:15:20 AM): i'm like damn

dc (9:15:26 AM): you spent 2hrs over there

dc (9:15:33 AM): and called her as soon as you left?

dc (9:15:50 AM): but she always cryin she don't have any cell phone minutes

dc (9:16:16 AM): so she didn't need me to come get her or anything cuz the chic was already on her way

dc (9:16:45 AM): so now she doesn't have a car

dc (9:17:03 AM): but you know i think she was up to no good

dc (9:17:25 AM): she was in the bathroom when i decided to talk to her

dc (9:17:40 AM): so i'm askin how she feelin and all this

dc (9:17:48 AM): *while she's on the toilet*

dc (9:18:04 AM): so i notice that her panties are wet

dc (9:18:37 AM): now i been livin with this chic for some years

dc (9:18:59 AM): i know the dif between sweat and booty juice

dc (9:19:20 AM): her panties had booty juice in them

dc (9:19:55 AM): she says she always has secretions

dc (9:20:23 AM): so i'm like if that's the case how come you're not always wearin panty liners?

dc (9:20:48 AM): just like that night she didn't come home

dc (9:21:07 AM): i know what sex smells like

dc (9:21:30 AM): she had that smell but tried to say that she just didn't bathe

dc (9:21:46 AM): i'm like how stupid do i look man

dc (9:23:30 AM): the painful thing is i was really tryin this time

dc (9:23:48 AM): and now to know that she is havin sex

dc (9:23:50 AM): i'm like damn

dc (9:24:00 AM): i'm doin all the right things

dc (9:24:03 AM): and she fuckin up

dc (9:24:06 AM): but it's cool

dc (9:24:15 AM): we'll just be fuckin around together

dc (9:24:26 AM): this is why i can't trust women

Okay... You know what? Right about now, I really am trying to figure out how the hell I found myself in this situation. I mean it's not like I hate myself... at least... not enough to want to inflict this kind of emotional abuse on myself. So what the f@#%? I know what I want. I know how to go about getting it. (Start with the goal and work backwards from there) Clearly, all this extra sh*t doesn't even begin to fall in line with anything I want or can dream for my forseable future. I need good people around me. And, honestly, with each passing day, I start to feel more and more like he is not, nor has he ever been my friend much less a bestfriend. I'm a constant support for him but I don't I get that sh*t back... not really. Actually, quite the opposite... at this point, he hurts me daily. Things are nothing like they were before. So what da f@#%!? Why can't I just leave this nicca alone? I honestly feel like I have no control over my own damn emotions anymore. I want to not care, but I can't... and it's f@$%in killin me. I'm goin backwards, man.


...still... no words.


P.S. His job is sending him back to NYC on business next month. He'll be here from April 6th through the 12th... I don't want him here.


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