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... resentments

07.21.2004 // 12:13 pm

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I am so filled with anxiety. Tons of shit is happening all around me and I don't feel like I have any control over any of it.

My job is "restructuring" the project that I'm working on. I spoke with two other people that work this project too, and they had been hearing rumors, but said they didn't have anything concrete. All they said was that they thought they wer going to try and utilize our various talents in a different way, or something like that. That scares me because I honestl;y don't know what my talents are. I don't like work. I do as little of it as possible. So for them to say they are gonna tailor our jobs to what we're good at doing or like to do is majorly scary for me. Anyway, my co-workers and I started to talk about ways to sustain ourselves (and our jobs) if things start to take a negative turn. They are both extremely optomistic people, so I had to kinda hold my tongue as far as some of what I've been.

Honestly, my situation scares me. I have such a hard time staying focused. I'm unhappy in just about every area of my like that counts. Physically I'm a freakin wreck. I just feel totally beat down. I'm at the point where I have to, literally, talk myself out of bed in the morning. I would process it with a therapist, but oh yeah... I don't have one of those.

I resent just about everything... my parents, my boyfriends, girlfriends and lovers (past and present), the bad choices I've made and will probably keep making. I resent the fact that people see me as happy even though I go out of my way to put up that front. I resent them asking me what's wrong if I happen look sad. (They don't care, They're just nosey.) I resent the fact that I have to work so fucking hard just to look reasonably attractive. I resent walking down the down the street and being accosted when I do manage to make myself look nice. I resent having to train people to do jobs I was never trained to do myself. (If I had to learn on my own, why shouldn't they?) I resent having to go to grad school just so I can compete in a job market that I don't even like. There's so much that gets under my skin. And I know, from the outside looking in, my attitude towards the elements in my world seems skewed at best (psychotic at worst), but it's how I feel. I also resent the fact that this is my only outlet for it all.

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