... real mature. i know.

04.30.2003 // 8:48 am


You know what I can't understand? Why is it that everytime i seem to gain even a little bit of momemtum in the right direction, diversions from my past seem to reappear?

So DC and I haven't really been talkin lately. The energy between us is all wierd now. There's no out right antagonism (at least not on my part), but there is definitely someting thicker in the air than there was before. When he feels uncomfortable he retreats. To probe for answers only invites him to shut down completely. So I left it alone... literally.

I igged him the same way he igged me when he said I had taken our friendship for granted. Unfortunately he had the same plan. So we just been iggin each other, waitin see who gon blink first. (real mature. i know) Anyway, just when I had gotten used to the idea of not having him around anymore, he blinks...

"Still playin ya position, huh homey?"

I don't know what the fuck to say so I just said "Yeah." Wrong answer. LMAO!! He went back to iggin me. So then I'm thinkin to myself, this is silly. It really is. He is who he is and I knew that from day one. I'm the one who took leave of my senses the minute I felt my nature rise. So I hollared at him... real casual-like...

"Whatcha doin?"

That was it. The flood gates opened and he started to fill me in on all the latest drama with the wife. His trial was yesterday. She never dropped the charges. (well gee... what a surprise.) Not only that, but when she was asked if she wanted to invoke her marital rights and not testify, she said no! She waived them and testified against him! He was so hurt.

Honestly, I wanted to not feel bad for him. I wanted him to deal with his pain by himself the way I had to deal with mine. But I couldn't do it. I was empathic and supportive and everything else a real friend should be. My struggle now is to not get waylaid by this one conversation which was most likely just him dumping.

I like the idea of being focused. I feel better about myself when I am. But this time around just seems so difficult. I feel totally overwhelmed and confused.

By the way, Uptown has resurfaced yet again. I didn't bother to answer his message last time, so now he's begun to email me. I was so embarrased by the fact that I was actually tempted to call him. I didn't and I'm glad. I know I would have regretted it.

I'm rambling now. I'm just gon stop.


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