... Plan A ...
10.15.2004 // 1:13 pm
Things haven't been going too great lately. I decided to stop posting in the other journal (yes after a whopping 20 entries) because I really felt like it was starting to do more harm than good. I thought that by separating the two, I could stay more focused or something like that. I'm not sure. I guess I just didn't wanna mingle everything all up together and either confuse or irk people (or myself). But now I can't do it anymore because it feels like every time I go to write in there I feel worse afterwards. It doesn't even matter what I write. Just the fact that the things in there are separate from the rest of my life feels weird. So I'm not doin it anymore. But that's not what promted me to write in here today. For about a week and a half, the energy at the job has been kinda off. Things aren't hostile--- not overtly anyway. But, it just kinda feels like I'm being marginalized (today's SAT word) by some of the people here. Things with DC feel the same way. In both cases I am made to feel totally valued and indispensible one minute and then treated with total indifference the next. So I started to mirror people's behaviors to see what would happen. Turns out, its ok for me to get jerked back and forth and have my sense of value undermined, but the minute I decide to put my needs first, niccas start lookin at me with a crooked eye. Peep the irony...
DC (12:46:08 PM): it feels like i'm always thinkin bout [HIS OLD LADY] and makin sure she's takin care of and she doesnt do the same for me
DC (12:46:29 PM): sometimes i feel like i'm just bein petty
DC (12:46:45 PM): but other times it just feels like all these lil things just keep addin up
MD (12:47:04 PM): i know the feelin.
Nothing else was said for hours. Then he hangs up without sayin good bye. Hmmm... was it something I said?
So now, I go out of my way to avoid pretty much any situation that requires me to be the center of attention, bear any responsibility for anyone but myself or take any sort of personal, professional or emotional risk. Is that any way to live? Of course not. But for now it's the best I can come up with. And, No... I ain't got no Plan B.
But, on to more important things (or less important depending on whose reading this). My weight is still a major issue for me. It's gone up and down and up and down and up and up and up and up... you get the idea. Well, I've finally made a decision. I've begun a process that will insure me that it will in fact no longer be an issue for me. I'll update with the details when I feel like it.
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