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... dc = pain

04.13.2004 // 2:07 pm

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I'm participating in a training in how to work with batterers. It's only been two weeks, and already I can see what a profound affect this has been having on me. Here was the homework we were assigned, yet I couldn't bring myself to complete.

1. Identify someone you trust.

2. Identify someone who trusts you.

3. Identify someone who you wish trusted you more.

Why did you choose these people?

This was only the first exercise and I struggled like hell with it. It was also the spark that caused the big blow up last Friday.

We had to process our answers in class today. I kept trying not to cry through the whole thing. I know some people probably thought that assignment was a piece of cake. For me, that mess was hard as hell. It forced me to, once again, face the reality of how things are between us. I'm not gonna lie though. I was pissed as hell at myself for making him the focus of this exercise, but he was honestly, the first person to come to my mind... not as someone I trust, though. I don't trust him. I have no reason to. Instead, he was the person who trusts me as well as the person I wish trusted me more. How fucked up is that?

He knows I would never backstab him, even though he's hurt me a bunch of times and not looked back. At the same time, there are huge chunks of things he hides from me because he really doesn't trust me. Sure I know alot, but I want to know more. Why? Who the fuck knows. I just hate that he is all under my skin, yet keeps me at arm's length until its convenient for him.

I feel crazy. There's no other way to describe it. One minute, I want him totally and completely out of my life. I can't stand him anymore. The next, I want to cry my eyes out because, in reality, he would and could sever all ties with me and it wouldn't bother him in the least. What it all comes down to is: I can't trust him. He won't trust me. For me, dc = pain. Period.

Sorry for stating the obvious, but sometime I just have to say shit out loud (or in this case, write it down) just to get it outta me.

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