... no relevance

11.21.2003 // 12:10 pm


I don'remember if I posted about this before, but back in October I had something really wierd happen to me.

I had gotten into the habit of saving txtmsgs from DC... sweet ones from early on in our non-relationship. Somehow, being able to go back and read them from time to time made me feel better about things. The worse things got, the more I started to feel like none of what he said and none of what I felt was real. Those txtmsgs were my proof though. Proof that I didn't imagine his feelings for me. They were right there in black and white, dated and timed. I could read them as many times as I needed to to justify still loving him. I could feel okay saying to myself, "I maybe in it alone now, but it wasn't always that way. We both felt it. I'm not crazy."

I saved the first "143" I ever got from him... the first time he ever said he missed me... or called me "pumpkin"... I saved the back and forth convos about what were doing at any given moment... how we were feeling... or how much we missed each other.

I wasn't really sure how long I intended to keep them, especially since things had become so fucked up. But apparently Sprint decided for me. I went into my Short Mail feature and saw that every single message I had saved had disappeared. I was so sad, I didn't know what the hell to do. I went to the website to see if the problem was just my phone or if they were still saved and just not showing. Sure enough, they were all gone. I told DC about it at the time...

MD (9:05:09 AM): g'mornin sunshine
DC (9:12:53 AM): well good mornin
MD (9:13:03 AM): you know....
MD (9:13:05 AM): i think this is
MD (9:13:09 AM): the first long weekend
MD (9:13:12 AM): where i actually wish i had
MD (9:13:15 AM): work on monday.
MD (9:13:20 AM): i got so much crap to do
MD (9:13:26 AM): and only today
MD (9:13:28 AM): to do it.
DC (9:19:40 AM): damn
DC (9:19:48 AM): that's not good
DC (9:19:53 AM): i gotta go to work anyway
MD (9:20:04 AM): on monday?
DC (9:28:58 AM): yeah
DC (9:29:06 AM): i wanna use my comp day on monday tho
MD (9:29:21 AM): oh cool
MD (9:29:30 AM): u know what happened to me yesterday?
MD (9:29:35 AM): it was so creepy.
MD (9:29:41 AM): well....
MD (9:29:45 AM): up until yesterday
MD (9:29:58 AM): i had a few txtmsgs locked in my phone
MD (9:30:18 AM): some i just wasn't ready to be deleted yet
MD (9:30:20 AM): for like
MD (9:30:26 AM): sentimental reasons or whatever
MD (9:30:29 AM): well....
MD (9:30:37 AM): you sent me that lotto text yesterday
MD (9:30:47 AM): and i noticed the screen looked wierd when i went to open it up
MD (9:31:00 AM): but i was in the street so i didn't really realize what I was seeing.
MD (9:31:06 AM): last night though
MD (9:31:12 AM): i go into my short mail and realize
MD (9:31:18 AM): that every single message
MD (9:31:27 AM): even the ones that were LOCKED in my phone
MD (9:31:33 AM): has completely disappeared.
MD (9:31:43 AM): the only one in there was the last one received
MD (9:31:50 AM): i was so sad.
MD (9:31:56 AM): but after i got over being sad
MD (9:32:00 AM): that mess weirded me out.
MD (9:32:01 AM): like...
MD (9:32:18 AM): how can 25 locked messaged just get
MD (9:32:22 AM): deleted from my phone?
DC (9:34:49 AM): damn
DC (9:34:56 AM): why were you keepin 25 txtmsgs?
DC (9:35:04 AM): who where they from?
DC (9:35:14 AM): mr cali/tx/ny?
MD (9:35:20 AM): wow
MD (9:35:26 AM): you sure ask alot of questions.
MD (9:35:42 AM): yes. there were a couple from him
MD (9:36:15 AM): DC (9:34:56 AM): why were you keepin 25 txtmsgs? <~~ because my phone won't let me keep more
DC (9:36:35 AM): you'd be a great pokemon champion
DC (9:36:48 AM): gotta catch em all
DC (9:36:49 AM): gotta catch em all
MD (9:37:00 AM): like i said
MD (9:37:08 AM): i just wasn't ready to let them get deleted yet
DC (9:37:17 AM): so if only a few from him, who sent the rest?
DC (9:37:23 AM): o lawd
DC (9:37:26 AM): she gonna say tubs
MD (9:37:31 AM): tubs?
MD (9:37:40 AM): u mean Mr.Ex?
MD (9:37:55 AM): nah. he never txtmsged me.
MD (9:38:00 AM): he used an aol communicator
MD (9:38:19 AM): so i'd talk to him from my phone that way.
DC (9:38:23 AM): ri ri
DC (9:38:37 AM): so we've ruled out about 7
DC (9:38:41 AM): who were the rest from?
MD (9:39:01 AM): i forget. they're gone now. what does it matter?
MD (9:39:15 AM): <~~ hopin that'll be good enough to call off the hounds
DC (9:40:29 AM): nope
DC (9:40:32 AM): cuz you were sad about them
DC (9:40:36 AM): so i know you know who they were from
DC (9:40:41 AM): cuz you're missin em
DC (9:40:45 AM): you said they had some kinda value
DC (9:40:48 AM): so spill it man

MD (9:43:38 AM): u

DC (9:43:45 AM): what did they say?
DC (9:44:05 AM): what kinda value did they have
DC (9:44:10 AM): why werent you ready to let them go?

MD (9:57:04 AM): they were from a really long time ago. i just wasn't ready to trash em yet.

DC (9:58:54 AM): ri ri

We didn't talk again for the rest of the day and we never brought up the topic again. That was six weeks ago. Well, at 4 am this morning I get a textmsg alert. But when I check, there are no new msgs. So, I start to scroll. And there they are... all the txtmsgs that vanished a month and a half ago. I can't believe it. But its so wierd now... looking at them. Its over. None of those words mean anything anymore. They have no relevance.

Just thinking about that fact makes me feel like shit.


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