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... so much like my father

12.16.2003 // 11:38 am

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I've been thinking long and hard about what DC's appeal really is to me and I'm convinced that its because he reminds me so much of my father in alot of ways. (Note: that is not a good thing) Now, I do not consider myself to be Freudian by any means, but the more I experience the sort of things I do, the more I begin to feel like there has to be some sort of connection.

I remember growing up and being one of only a hand full of children who came from a two parent home. They'd always ask me which parent I lived with and when I answered "both", they'd look at me like I had two heads. So for a while I felt special just because he lived in my house. It wasn't until I got older that I realized that was pretty much all he did. Emotionally, my father is, and always has been, completely absent. Financially, he took care of home. I went to private school all my life and when I got into high school, my mother was able to stop working for those four years to make sure I had what I needed as far as support. It was during that period that I began to see the difference between what I had with him and what other people had with their fathers. It was almost like, the fact that they didn't live in the same house forced them to create an atmosphere of intimacy during those times when they did see one another. I never had the benefit of that.

There have been times when my father and I would go an entire week without speaking one word to one another. And It's not that we don't see each other. We just don't have anything to say to one another. And those times when we do, we either speak through my mother or give these really passive agressive non-verbal cues. For example: I remember when my weight first began to become a noticable issue. He never said anything to me like "I'm concerned" or "How can I help you". Instead he gave my mother a subsription card to "Muscle and Fitness for Her" and asked, "Does [MD] read this?" My mother just said she didn't know and gave it to me when she saw me. I swear, I don't think I know anyone with a more dysfunctional father-daughter relationship. The very first time I traveled on a plane by myself, I went to say good bye to him and he extended his arm so that we could shake hands. If I live to be 100 I'll never forget what that felt like. It wasn't always like that, though.

My mom said when I was a baby, I used to be afraid of him. When he held me, he'd squeeze so tight she could tell it was uncomfortable for me. So I'd cry as soon as I saw him cuz I knew he was about to squeeze the shit outta me. lol. But once he learned how not to do that, I'd fall asleep in his arms. Until I was about 5 or 6, I was a total Daddy's girl. He'd have to leave for work really early in the morning, but he'd always wake me out my sleep to kiss me goodbye. And if I slept too heavy and he wasn't able to wake me or if I woke up too drowsey to remember that he did wake me for my kiss, I'd be pissed til like 12 noon that day. No lie. lol. But then things changed. He didn't kiss me anymore and I didn't want him to. (There was a specific incident that caused that, but I'm not gonna go into it.)

So now we get to DC. The course of this relationship practically mirrors the one I have with my father. Intially, the love is so intense it's almost smothering, but I love every single minute of it. And then an incident happens to change all that and we're never the same again. It is a little different in that, I keep reaching out to DC. And it seems like no matter how distant he chooses to remain, I keep fighting to maintain a connection. That's funny 'cause that's more than I do with my father and he's blood. LOL. But seriouly though, DC is so guarded sometimes and I know, for him, its a defense mechanism. But I also know that he can use that shit as a weapon. I've been at the tail end of it more than once and it cuts like a knife. It's hard to care for someone that seems to hurt youon purpose. Still, I sometimes envy the people in his life that do get unconditional love. Other times, my heart breaks for them, because I know they don't get it consistently. I think that may be worse than not getting it at all. The only people that he does give 100% to, as he very well should, are his children. They're lucky in that way.

You know, I really do think I've typed myself into a full blown state of depression, so I'm just gonna stop now.

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