may 2nd to the 12th of 2007

04.23.2008 // 11:42 am


Brown stood me up. He said he'd be at my house around 9 and its 10:43. I don't even knpw how to fix my face. Its like Coal all over again. I need to trust my gut more often. I know he was too good to be
true... I knew it. 11:13 pm and he just logged on to AIM. I'm about to throw up right now for real. 11:18 he texts me "wassup sweetie!!!" I'm through. Its about to get hit 'em up style in this piece. 11:21 still no reply... guess he can't come up with a good lie. Here's all what happened...

Macdiva: Baby r u there?
Brown: hey sweet cheeks
Macdiva: I spoke 2 u last nite right?
Brown: yes
Brown: You told me some pretty crazy stuff
Brown: wow!
Macdiva: What we talk about? Lol
Brown: I was shocked but turned on
Macdiva: Lmao! Hush!
Macdiva: U know I have school 2day right?
Brown: You do?
Macdiva: Yeah. Mon and wed
Macdiva: Next wed is the last.
Brown: YAY!!
Macdiva: I remember u sayin u would come see about me but I couldn't
remember if I reminded u bout class.
Macdiva: ...and top model of course. Lmao!!!!
Macdiva: Is 9 pm 2 late 4 u??
Macdiva: Or... 8 pm.
Brown: 9 pm is good
Macdiva: Yay!!! ... u said something that made me smile last nite. I woke
up and couldn't remember. I been tryin all day, but its gone. :-(
Macdiva: I am so loopy when I'm half sleep. Lol!
Brown: You said you wanted me to make sweet love to you last night!
Macdiva: Lol! I did??!!!! No I did not! U liar! Lol!!
---------------- May 2, 2007 3:39 pm ----------------
Brown: You told me you want to ride it..oohh soo good!
---------------- May 2, 2007 3:44 pm ----------------
Macdiva: You know what? I'ma stop talkin to you cuz u r not helpin! Lol!!
I'm serious... I was mad as hell cuz I couldn't remember that shyte...
it was somethin u called me. U call me a lot of stuff, but it was just
something really sweet and I remember smilin. But that's all I remember.
I guess I must be gettin old for real! Lol!!
Brown: Brown signed off at 7:42 pm.
Brown: Brown signed on at 11:13 pm.

Several mutha fckn hours later…

--------------- May 2, 2007 11:18 pm ---------------
Macdiva: U said u were coming here
Macdiva: At 9 o'clock
--------------- May 2, 2007 11:21 pm ---------------
Brown: sorry babes
Brown: I got off of work at 8
Brown: So it was a no go
Macdiva: a call would have been nice.
Brown: i just came back from showing my cousin the house
Brown: AWWEE
Brown: SAWWE
Brown: Brown signed off at 7:36 am.
Brown: Brown signed on at 12:43 pm.

and that was it!!!!

I am so salty right now. I need to seriously get me a coach or some shyte. Too much is affecting me. I got observed by my school mentor today and some how he managed to turn the conversation into one about how I am afraid to be emotional in relationships and how even though I am warm I dole out affection in a very logical way. I really didn't need that shyte...

Brown called me and tried to be sweet. I didn't have the energy to try to be sweet back. He says he didn't "hear the love in my voice" and then told me to put any negative thoughts I was having about him out of my mind and that he knows I have a hard time trusting men but he really wants this to work and he knows I'm afraid that it won't. The details of the convo are a blur. I just remember feeling like I needed to line something up real quick cuz summer's comin and I am not gonna spend it like last summer... waitin around for someone (last summer it was Coal) who clearly doesn't feel like being bothered with me a whole heck of a lot.

Met a new one, btw, lol. Super cute... he's Jewish. Yeah. I know. I never thought I could be attracted to someone who wasn't big and chocolate (or at least butter pecan) but hey... who knew? Personally, I
blame Jon B. and Robin Thicke. Lol! Anyway, I have to come up with a name for him b4 I start to write about him. Let's see if this ride is any different from the one I've been one...

No Brown til 9.53 pm. He was gettin a hair cut and texted me "so you can't call nor text?" No nicca I can’t.

oh… btw… 5.4.07
---------------------- 12:54 am ----------------------
Jurmany : whats good u aint ------ wit me no more?
---------------------- 12:57 am ----------------------
Jurmany : guess not.............well it was nice knowing u, good luck
with school

No Brown. I texted "hi" but never got a response. At 12.53 am he texts, "what a fight!" referring to the de la hoya match. I don't respond.

No Brown. I called him at noon. He says was at a car dealership and said he would call me back. He called me "suga" and "suga dumplin". He didn't call back. He logged into AIM at midnite...

Part of me wants to ask what's going on, but I'd feel like an idiot because I already know. I am going to have to stat over now and that really does piss me the fck off. I want to scream.

I came right out and asked wtf is going on...

------------------------ 1:10 am -----------------------
Macdiva: Okay... I am really startin to take this personally. What is
going on??
Brown: It's not personal..I'm stressed out over this house man
Macdiva: So why are you not talking to me?
----------------------- 1:14 am -----------------------
Brown: I'm going through some stuff financially..i'm in introvert..I
need to take you out to talk about what's going on
Brown: I deal with my stuff internally
Brown: and I jut get depressed
Brown: It's not you
Macdiva: I'm an introvert and I felt comfortable enough to open up to
you. If you're really going through something and we're not talking
about it, maybe you're just not comfortable opening up to me.
Macdiva: I'm not a whiner or a complainer. The last thing I want to do is
add to what seems to be a lot of pressure on you....
Macdiva: I just feel like if we're getting closer or at least if that's
the goal, you shouldn't need to take me out to explain anything....
Brown: I try, I really do..but I just need to fix this
Brown: I DO OPEN UP..BUt just sometimes I really
Brown: Don't know how to just openly talk about things
----------------------- 1:24 am -----------------------
Macdiva: I understand what you're saying. All I'm saying is its not fair
for you to keep me totally in the dark. It makes me wonder what exactly
we're doing... or have you lost interest and don't want to say so. I
mean on one hand you're still out and about doin your thing... those
times when I do talk to you you're not saying anything... then you go
from talking to me everyday to not at all. You have to realize how that
looks and how it makes me feel right?
Macdiva: I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable, but if you do I still
need you to say so... say something. Don't just roll the ---- out on me
like that.
Brown: Brown signed off at 1:31 am.


----------------------- 9:35 pm -----------------------
Jurmany : what up
Macdiva: Hi
Jurmany : u still busy i suppose
----------------------- 9:39 pm -----------------------
Macdiva: tomorrow is the last day of class. I still have a final
assignment to hand in by friday, but class ends wednesday. Summer
session starts on the 14th so I have a little break in between.
Jurmany : so are we together, cause it sure dont feel like it
Jurmany : i dont hear from u unless i contact u
Jurmany : so u still messin with that other dude
Jurmany : ?
----------------------- 9:42 pm -----------------------
Macdiva: It's so ironic that you would ask me that. I have been so busy I
haven't been out with anyone in a minute. I was excited about the idea
of trying again with you, but you're right. It doesn't feel like we're
together. I'm not entirely sure its just about not seeing a lot of each
other though. It just feels different.
Macdiva: Like the energy is off or something. Is it me?
Jurmany : well for one i heard from u more when i was in germany
Jurmany : now that im back i dont hear from u
Macdiva: I was on vacation the same time u were in germany.
Macdiva: So I agree you did hear from me a lot more. But I
Jurmany : ok
Macdiva: Also remember suggesting we sit down and talk about things at
some point. I didn't want to feel
Jurmany : well u allwayz say u have stuff to do so how can we talk?
Macdiva: Like I saw things one way and u saw them another.... I am busy,
but there have been times when we could have talked on the phone
Macdiva: Like I said. The energy just didn't feel right. I remember
feeling incredibly close to you before you left.
Jurmany : well why dont we get back there instead of just saying ----
like ur doing
Macdiva: Do you remember me being embarassed that I would miss you?
Jurmany : why were u embarassed?
Macdiva: I guess it just felt like it was too soon. I usually don't fall
for people very quickly.
Jurmany : o........so basically ur telling me u were holding back?
Macdiva: But I remember the last convo we had b4 u left. I think for
----------------------- 9:52 pm -----------------------
Macdiva: It changed how I saw things. Made me feel liike it was just me.
Like this situation, this experience, was a different one for me than it
was for you. But.....
Jurmany : how u figure
Jurmany : i told u i was feeling u
----------------------- 9:55 pm -----------------------
Macdiva: I know what you said. But I also remember not feeling
comfortable coming to see you and having it start this whole other
conversation. I know you said you weren't upset by me not coming, but it
was more than that. I was thinking......
Jurmany : i know i wasnt upset
Macdiva: It was already late at the time you asked me to come. I wouldn't
have asked you to drive down here at that hour. So for you to ask me to
take the train up there by myself at that time.... just didn't sit well
with me. You said you were "feeling" me but I wasn't sure what that
meant then.
Jurmany : how u dont know what that means?
---------------------- 10:01 pm ----------------------
Macdiva: That whole converstion and everything that happened afterwards
made me see it differently. Like... I'm feeling him which means I am
really into him.... he's feeling me, but could just mean he's attracted
to me. I told you before, if we don't communicate I'm just gonna assume
a bunch of stuff. Unfortunately, I think us not communicating is what
messed this up. I started dating after that.... blah blah blah.... you
know the rest.
Jurmany : i already told u to stop assuming stuff, it aint cool
Macdiva: Not now. Before.
Jurmany : but whatever u found who u want so thats probably another
reason i aint heard from u
Macdiva: How you gon tell me not to assume and then type that mess??
Jurmany : now u know how it feels
Macdiva: U knew before.... you assumed I wasn't dating and flipped on me
when you found out differently. See ... you made an assuption that
wasn't cool either.
Macdiva: Lets talk about now though....
Jurmany : ok
Jurmany : what now?
Jurmany : what u wanna do?
Macdiva: We can't undo the other stuff...
Jurmany : ok
Macdiva: I still like you a lot, but I'd be lying if I sat here and told
you that you had my heart beatin all fast like before. Its not about me
not feeling you though. I think I just
Jurmany : found someone else
Macdiva: Lmao! No!
Macdiva: I went on a lot of dates over the vacation
Macdiva: I got along better with some folks than with others
Jurmany : i bet
Macdiva: But I only really clicked with you and one other person....
Macdiva: What made me want to fall back a little bit though
Macdiva: Had nothing to do with anyone else I dated.
Jurmany : so what do u wanna do
Jurmany : be wit me or him?
Macdiva: Stop talking about him this is about US.
Jurmany : he is about us to, if ur gonna continue to see him
---------------------- 10:12 pm ----------------------
Macdiva: Even if we don't end up together, there's no one else waiting
for me with open arms. I haven't gone out with him in a while. He knows
about you.....
Macdiva: He's dating other people. I'm not in a relationship J.
Jurmany : o
Macdiva: He was concerned that u would come home and I would lose
interest. You were concerned that as soon as u left I lost interest. I
never got a chance to figure out how I really felt about either
situation. I can tell you this though........
Jurmany : ?
Macdiva: You reaction to finding out about him made me feel really bad.
Not just guilty about how u found out but.....
---------------------- 10:18 pm ----------------------
Macdiva: How you reacted made me feel like I needed to just fall back.
The anger. I just didn't see it coming. Even now.... when you say things
like let's not just say "fuck like you're doing" it doesn't draw me to
you. It makes me feel like I need to fall back and just take things
really really slow. I'm less confident about us being a good fit. I'm
soooo laid back. U understand what I'm trying to say?
Macdiva: I'm still very much attracted to you though. That's what makes
it hard for me....
Jurmany : so u wanna fall back because i was bothered by u dealing with
someone else, does that really make sense to u?
Macdiva: I don't want that to cloud my judgement in this situation...
Macdiva: Not that you were bothered...
Macdiva: I understand that u were bothered. I was just taken aback by HOW
you reacted... calling me stupid... shutting down and saying you didn't
care anymore.... I'm just not used to that.
Macdiva: People disagree all the time, but that's not my style. I like to
talk things out....
Macdiva: If I start to feel like I can't do that or like if we disagree
I'm gonna have to be on the defensive
Jurmany : there was nuthin to talk about, and for the record i never
called u stupid
Macdiva: I know that's gonna make it hard for me to open up completely.
Jurmany : u dont wanna open up completely
Jurmany : thats the problem
Macdiva: I am very guarded. That's true. My heart has taken more than a
few hits so I am a lot more careful with it now than I used to be. I am
very sensitive... sometimes too sensitive.... I feel everything
Macdiva: And not just in the moment. If I fall I fall hard which means
Macdiva: If I get hurt it hurts a lot. I really feel like...
Jurmany : ive taken hits too, but i dont hold everyone else accountable
Macdiva: I need someone that's gonna understand that.
Macdiva: I don't want to feel like something is wrong with that....
Macdiva: I don't judge anyone based on the actions of others
Jurmany : i aint saying its wrong, but dont hold me accountable for
other peoples mistakes, give me a fair chance
---------------------- 10:28 pm ----------------------
Macdiva: I understand what you're saying. All I'm saying is....
Macdiva: For me...
Macdiva: Giving you a fair chance may just mean being willing to let you
see my heart slowly instead of all at once like you might want.
Macdiva: It doesn't mean that I don't want to let you in
Macdiva: It just mean you're gonna have to understand that it may not
happen in your time. It also mean that
Macdiva: You r going to have to decide if that's something you are okay
with or would u feel compelled to walk away.
Jurmany : i aint trying to rush u
Jurmany : i just dont want u holing back like u plan on doing
Macdiva: Holding back isn't something I plan on doing...
Macdiva: I open up when it feels natural for me to do it...
Macdiva: It just doesn't always happen as quickly as some folks would
like... myself included.
Macdiva: But its who I am and I can't promise that's gon change anytime

I just deleated Brown from my AIM list. we had some semblance of a conversation online and basically he just walked away from this situation for no damn reason. He gave me some story about having
financial problems and being an introvert. But I sent a tex before and he said "I'll tell you later. Nothing major" so which is it? I told him how I felt (never once calling him on his shaky explanations) about him
just not calling me. He then logged out without saying shyte and has been off and online several times since then without saying anything to me.

I've decided he's a liar and a poser and God simply removed him from my life because he has something much better in store for me. A tiny part of me is still holding out hope, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. I need to find it in my heart to be grateful for this experience and just move on.

I don't understand this man at all. He out of the damn blue sends me a txtmsg saying he wants to talk to me, to tell me what's been going on with him and to apologize. This was at 5:19 this afternoon. I said I was home and he told me he was on his way home and would call me when he got there. I put him back on my AIM list. Its now 9:27.

He logged on to AIM an hour ago (11.47 pm). He has still not called or sent a msg. What the fuck is up with him? Yeah. This will never work. I can not possibly
see myself dealing with this kind of mess long term. Its only been a few months and look. Nope. I just don't see this working out for us....

3.06 am He never called me. He never logged out of AIM and he never bothered to call me. How can I possibly take dude seriously??? This is beyond flakey.

Mmmmmyeah, still nothin. He logged off at 12:53 this afternoon. He was on since last nite. That means he never went to work. And now he just signed on and on at 10:37pm but that was it.

I sent Brown a txt. (Shut up! I know!) It said: "I feel compelled to talk to you but I honestly don't know what to say." He must not know either because I sent it at 3:45 and it's 5:41 and he has not responded. I am beside myself. I've been sitting in McDonalds reading about "Ana" trying to get back on track. I can't focus. My eyes keep closing no matter how hard I try to keep them open. Of late, that is how my depression comes. I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep and wake up when everything is okay.


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