... this hurts like hell

07.23.2003 // 1:47 pm


"When what's desirable is not available, then what's available suddenly becomes desirable."

--- I don't know who said that shit

I was up until 2:00 am consoling DC about his situation... supporting him as he spilled his guts about how lonely he feels... reassuring him that he does deserve love even if he isn't getting it from the one from whom he wants it the most.

I was a kickass friend last night, but by conversation's end, I felt used and unappreciated. Sure we both professed our love for one another and how much this "friendship" means to us. And he did feel alot better after the dialogue. But what occured to me in those early morning hours was the fact that he really did settle for me.

He needed to feel loved but couldn't get it from her, so I became pinch hitter... not just to fill that spot and ease his mind, but to nurse his ego after her rejection. That is so wrong on so many levels, I can't even put it into words. This whole thing is totally onesided, yet I am totally caught up in the bullshit... still.

I am really sleepy right now and I'm mad about it. I could have easily ignored my phone and gotten the rest I need in order to come to work today and be productive. But I didn't. I stayed up to help him. I'm not even sure how much he appreciates it. He says he does, but, hell, he says alot of things. That don't make it the truth.

Can someone please tell me/show me/teach me how to harded my heart? I can't keep caring this much. I just can't.

This shit hurts like hell.


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