... I'm fuckin up

03.09.2004 // 6:10 pm


You know you really fucked up when, no matter how hard you triy not to, you end up cryin in the middle of a fuckin staff meetin with EVERYBODY lookin at you like done lost your fuckin mind.

There was this exercise we all had to engage in for our "professional development" but it talked about the kinda shit I struggle with everyday... body image, feelings of inadequacy, relationships, abuse... real heavy shit.

Anyway, long story short, one of my co-workers was giving her feedback on it and she got a little teary-- not alot; just a lil bit. But as soon as she started, I felt myself falling over the edge. I was trying so hard to fight it during the actual exercise, but when her voice cracked, that was it for me. I couldn't catch my breath. The tears wouldn't stop coming. It was awful. I felt like a total idiot. I reached over and took her hand hoping they would look like tears of simpathy. But the people I work with aren't stupid. I was clearly having a reaction to some of my own shit being kicked up.

I can't undo it, but I really do wish I could. I feel totally exposed now.

My goal when I came here was to start over. Completely. New job. New title. Totally reinvent myself. A better me.

So far, I'm fuckin up.


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