... i fucked up, yo

11.24.2003 // 2:21 pm


I can't explain this, so I'm not going to even try. This was supposed to be the convo that cut it all off. The convo that would let me git rid of that last bit of pissed-off-icity I been carryin around, achieve closure and then move the fuck on. Instead, this happened. I am so fucked up yo!


MD (11:37:33 AM):
DC (11:42:48 AM): um....
DC (11:42:51 AM): me?
MD (11:42:56 AM): lol
MD (11:42:57 AM): sure
MD (11:42:59 AM): why not?
DC (11:43:10 AM):
MD (11:43:22 AM): what's that face for?
DC (11:43:38 AM): why not?
DC (11:43:39 AM): like
DC (11:43:39 AM): yeah
DC (11:43:45 AM): lemme passify dis nicca real quick
MD (11:43:47 AM): lol
DC (11:43:59 AM): o i got my dirty smileys back
MD (11:44:00 AM): why you always sellin urself short wit me lately?
DC (11:44:18 AM): cuz you know damn well it's all about cali/ny/tx now
MD (11:44:22 AM):
DC (11:44:25 AM):
MD (11:44:29 AM): not funny
DC (11:44:45 AM):
DC (11:44:55 AM): <~~~~~~~~very good at strikin nerves
MD (11:45:12 AM): whatever.
MD (11:45:17 AM):
MD (11:45:35 AM): cali/ny/tx wasn't who i wanted on saturday night.
DC (11:45:44 AM): what happen sat night?
MD (11:45:49 AM): nuffin
DC (11:45:51 AM): who did you want?
MD (11:45:55 AM): i was just in the mood.
MD (11:46:00 AM): i wanted you.
MD (11:46:04 AM):
MD (11:46:06 AM): yo
MD (11:46:13 AM): i can't believe i just wrote that!
MD (11:46:14 AM):
DC (11:46:24 AM): why cant you believe it?
MD (11:46:31 AM): cuz
MD (11:46:34 AM): that's not like me
MD (11:46:37 AM): not no more.
DC (11:46:46 AM):
MD (11:46:50 AM): damn right
MD (11:46:51 AM):
DC (11:47:13 AM): so you didnt do nuffin?
MD (11:47:18 AM): no
DC (11:47:22 AM): dag
DC (11:47:26 AM): must not wanted me that bad
MD (11:57:26 AM): you know i'm only pretending to be cool with this "just friends" thing ri?
MD (11:57:40 AM): figured
MD (11:57:46 AM): eventually it would sorta grow on me
MD (11:57:49 AM): i'd just
MD (11:57:54 AM): fake it til i make it.
MD (11:58:02 AM): shyte's taking longer than I thought tho.
DC (11:58:40 AM): [MD]: you know i'm only pretending to be cool with this "just friends" thing ri?<~~~~~~huh?
MD (11:58:55 AM): me and you and just buddies
MD (11:59:02 AM): its takin a while to grow on me
MD (11:59:08 AM): i thought i'd be on board
MD (11:59:10 AM): 100% by now
MD (11:59:16 AM): but its harder than i thought it would be.
DC (11:59:24 AM): so what do you want?
DC (11:59:31 AM): how do you feel?
MD (11:59:53 AM): i felt like i had to adjust to how you wanted things to be.
MD (12:00:02 PM): never took the time to figure out what I really wanted.
MD (12:01:02 PM): is that you?
MD (12:01:47 PM): omfg!
MD (12:02:30 PM): okay you know what
MD (12:02:40 PM): i'm cursed and that's all there is to that
MD (12:02:41 PM): so...
MD (12:02:50 PM): i'm gettin some shyte off my chest wit you....
DC (12:02:54 PM): what just happened?
MD (12:02:55 PM): and fuckin [Mr.Ex] calls me!!
MD (12:02:58 PM): I'm like
MD (12:02:59 PM): okay
MD (12:03:03 PM): [DC] callin me
MD (12:03:09 PM): but the # is blocked so i don't answer
MD (12:03:13 PM): i just asked if its you callin
MD (12:03:24 PM): you didnt say nuffin so i let it go to voicemail
MD (12:03:29 PM): and its that creep!
DC (12:04:23 PM): damn
DC (12:04:33 PM): xmas time comin
DC (12:04:36 PM): he trynna get a gift
MD (12:04:44 PM): u know
MD (12:05:05 PM): he said his spring line is comin out so he wanna use me for a shoot.
MD (12:05:09 PM): like i'd really work for him.
MD (12:05:33 PM): can i ask you a question?
DC (12:05:51 PM): yup
MD (12:06:13 PM): i'm stupid cuz i shoulda taken the time to find this out before hand, but whatever. i just wanted to know how you feel?
DC (12:06:39 PM): about?
MD (12:06:52 PM): nuffin. nevermind.
DC (12:06:59 PM):
DC (12:07:04 PM): did she just brush me off?
MD (12:07:23 PM): you gotta know this is hard for me. why you makin me spell everything out?
MD (12:07:26 PM):
DC (12:07:35 PM): um...
DC (12:07:40 PM): is that the right face?
MD (12:07:41 PM): this conversation never happened.
MD (12:07:59 PM): <~~ I meant
DC (12:10:03 PM): o
DC (12:10:04 PM):
DC (12:10:06 PM): i'm like
DC (12:10:12 PM): she just gonna be thinkin bout that NOW?
DC (12:10:23 PM): we tryin to have a conversation here
DC (12:10:29 PM): and she just gonna drift off like that?
MD (12:10:48 PM): ri
MD (12:10:52 PM): but i'm good
MD (12:10:54 PM): nevermind.
DC (12:11:33 PM):
DC (12:11:35 PM): yeah...
DC (12:11:39 PM): definately gettin the brush off
MD (12:11:44 PM): lol
MD (12:11:54 PM): i'm just embarrased as hell right now
MD (12:12:02 PM): so i'd like to kinda
MD (12:12:07 PM): not talk about it anymore.
DC (12:24:26 PM): why embarrased?
MD (12:24:49 PM): i dont know
MD (12:24:51 PM): i just feel silly
MD (12:24:59 PM): like i shoulda just not said anything.
DC (12:25:40 PM): yes i still love you [MD]
DC (12:25:43 PM): just had to supress it cuz there is really no way of showin you
DC (12:25:46 PM): cant call you like i want
DC (12:25:47 PM): cant see you like i want
DC (12:25:52 PM): i'm just stuck
MD (12:26:27 PM): so then i really shouldn't have said anything
DC (12:44:57 PM): i mean it's cool
DC (12:45:12 PM): i think what kinda helped me out was you and mr cali/tx/ny
DC (12:45:25 PM): got me to realize that you weren't mine
DC (12:45:54 PM): and you're "free" to do what ever
MD (12:46:02 PM): lol
MD (12:46:05 PM): that's funny
MD (12:46:16 PM): i know it wasn't meant to be
MD (12:46:17 PM): but it is.
MD (12:46:51 PM): it took me getting emotionally involved with someone who wasn't mine for you to realize that I wasn't yours?
MD (12:47:01 PM): damn. we all fucked up homey.
MD (12:47:02 PM):
DC (12:47:15 PM): well...
DC (12:47:33 PM): it helped me to see that you werent just crazy in love with me and that you were able to move on
DC (12:47:49 PM): i mean it aint like i thought your world revolved around me or nuffin
DC (12:47:53 PM): well kinda
DC (12:47:54 PM): sike
DC (12:47:57 PM): but yeah
DC (12:48:13 PM): i always felt bad cuz i do feel kinda responsible for how you feel/felt about me
DC (12:48:32 PM): and i was able to let some of that go cuz you got involved with someone else
MD (12:48:36 PM): you were able to move on <~~ i didn't really have a choice in the matter.
MD (12:48:42 PM): ok
MD (12:48:51 PM): since we being all honest and up front and shit....
MD (12:48:56 PM): for me...
MD (12:48:59 PM): nothing changed...
MD (12:49:05 PM): not as far as my feelings for you.
MD (12:49:08 PM): i knew in my head
MD (12:49:16 PM): that things were going to have to be a certain way.
MD (12:49:19 PM): but in my heart
MD (12:49:25 PM): my feelings never changed.
MD (12:49:31 PM): i love you just as much now as I ever have
MD (12:49:39 PM): and it hurts like hell to know that I gotta settle.
MD (12:49:44 PM): I settled for Cali that night.
MD (12:49:51 PM): i wasn't "lonely"
MD (12:49:53 PM): I wanted you
MD (12:49:56 PM): and couldn't have you
MD (12:49:59 PM): so I called him.
MD (12:50:05 PM): I grew to care about him a great deal
MD (12:50:12 PM): because he was so open with me
MD (12:50:18 PM): and that let me be open with him.
MD (12:50:21 PM): that's rare
MD (12:50:28 PM): so if i find it i value it,
MD (12:50:39 PM): but i knew then
MD (12:50:39 PM): and now
MD (12:50:44 PM): that what i felt for him
MD (12:50:46 PM): and what i feel for you
MD (12:50:50 PM): are two very different things.
MD (12:50:53 PM): but like you said
MD (12:51:00 PM): sometimes you just gotta stifle shyte
MD (12:51:09 PM): and play with the hand you're dealt at the time.
DC (12:51:48 PM): [MD]: that what i felt for him
[MD]: and what i feel for you
[MD]: are two very different things.
DC (12:51:57 PM): how were they different?
DC (12:52:02 PM): xxxxxxxxxx
DC (12:52:03 PM): never mind
DC (12:52:06 PM): we went over that
DC (12:52:11 PM): ok i'm good
MD (12:52:12 PM): lol
DC (12:52:24 PM): i'm on call this week
DC (12:52:28 PM): the freakin holiday
MD (12:52:31 PM): i know
DC (12:52:32 PM): how the hell did that happen
MD (12:52:39 PM): listen
MD (12:52:43 PM): i have a meeting
MD (12:52:54 PM): actually 2 meetings back to back
MD (12:53:06 PM): you'll prolly be gone by the time I get out.
MD (12:53:12 PM): talk to you later, k
DC (12:53:50 PM):
MD (12:54:06 PM):
MD (12:54:09 PM):


React if you want... or can. I'm at a fuckin loss right now.


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