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... evolution

06.08.2004 // 9:42 am

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I have 15 minutes before I have to go into my Tuesday mornin training. I'm torn about the fact that this will be over soon; four weeks to be exact. Part of me is happy as all hell since, from day one the subject matter has been kicking up some major issues for me. Just about every Tuesday I can just about bank on the fact I'm gonna be in tears at some point in the day. It might be midday in the ladies room or in the shower before bed or in the middle of the fucking night. Yes this shit is deep enought to wake me out my damn sleep just so I can cry this pain away -- or at least try to. It's been hard, but haven't missed one single training; not even last week when Dr.A was out and Saul ended up running the class. (That's another story.)

There is a part of me that will miss it, though. It was the first time I was forced to reexamine my life (my ENTIRE life) and the role I play in what happens to me. It's okay to hold people accountable for the shit they've done to me. And I get to mourn the parts of me that were damaged as a result. BUT I need to own my own shit too. I can't keep focusing on the past. I can't undo it. I just gotta grow from it and move on. I always knew that, but coming to a point where I am able to actually practice it is MAJOR for me. So much so, that I now have very little tolerance for those who refuse to do the same. A little hypocritical, I'm sure, but I'm evolving into someone I actually like having around. I figure I should like other folks in my life at least that much or else there is no point to having them there.

It's almost 10:00. I gots to get my evolution on.

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