07.08.2003 // 4:57 pm


I've decided I'm not gonna sign into any of my IM accounts tomorrow. I need a break. Between not getting to talk to DC (or more accurately, him not feeling the need to talk to me) and having all day "talk marathons" where neither one of us gets anywork done at all, I am totally spent. I mean it. My brain is totally fried. And emotionally... well emotionally I ain't worth diddly right about now.

I've defined and redefined and re-redefined what I have with him, but no matter how I slice it, this shit is just way too intense for me to deal with right now. I've tried distractions, both human and otherwise, and nothing seems to work. I whined like a straight bitch to Bleek today about all these emotions that were coursing through my body as a result of a conversation the rest of you know nothing about. (sorry... divas have secrets too. lol.) It was cool that I could bring that to him and not be judged or whatever, but at the end of the day, I still felt totally psychotic... like nothing I think or feel or do has any basis in reality... that is, any reality other than the one I've created for myself as far as this man is concerned.

At this point I'm so fucking irrational, I can barely stand myself. So I need a break from him. It's odd that I should try this now that things are starting to get a little less uncomfortable between us when we do talk. But it's not about how I feel when we talk. It's about how I feel when we don't. An addict is fine as long as they get their hit... talk to them when they can't get it. That's when you'll see the pathology of their disease rear it's ugly head.

Anyway, I just thought I'd put the plan out there. At least this way, if I fuck up and "relapse" I can be held accountable.

Hi. My name is Macdiva and I'm a DC-aholic.


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