... binge and purge

01.27.2004 // 3:29 pm


I've kinda talked and joked a little bit about my weight in the past, but honestly, I never really took it too seriously. Well, I got some pictures back from my girlfriend's birthday party, and I swear I almost didn't recognize myself. It was like, I was lookin at the chick and I could kinda see myself in there somewhere, but I had to look really hard. I been pretty focused on workin out and everything for the New Year, but seeing those pictures made me feel like I'm really fighting a losing battle. I felt slovenly and weak and it just depressed the shit outta me.

I binged.

I'm not even gonna get into what I binged on. But trust me, after I was finished all I wanted to do was die. Not vomit... die. I was so full I could barely breathe. I felt like I was suffocating and for a minute, I wished I would. I eventually fell asleep and had a nightmare that I was being chased by four girls. I don't know what their beef was with me, but they were intent on beatin the shit outta me. We were running up and down the floors of some luxery hotel... we meaning me and DC. I remember falling behind for a second and so I grabbed his hand just so I could keep up. Then there was a sort of time shift. He let my hand go and I was running all by myself. I finally made it into an elevator--- the old fashioned manual kind where there is a gate between you and the actual elevator door and you can see the floors go past. The door opened and the girls were there. I struggled to keep the gate closed as they stuck their arms through, hitting and scratching me.

I woke myself up screaming then decided to text messaged DC. I haven't had any contact with him since Wednesday so I was really angry at myself for doing it. But disappointment in myself came too late. The message had already been sent. It said, "miss me?"

I waited, but he didn't answer.

I threw up and then went to sleep.


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