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... moving backwards

11.25.2003 // 2:35 pm

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I logged in here to try and write something thinking it would help me feel better about this situation. I don't know what the hell to write though. What is there to say?

Clearly I've made a conscious decision to move backwards. I've got a shit load of work to do and I haven't done any of it because I can't focus. I went out for a walk to try and clear my head and before I knew it I was fighting back tears. This man is under my skin in the worst way. I swear, I feel like I have no control over my emotions anymore. The only thing that's saving me from complete and total humiliation right now is the fact that Saul is out to lunch so I've got the office to myself for a lil while. I'm not sobbing or anything, but it's kinda hard for me to hide this kinda pain. This sorta shit shows on my face. I don't understand why I want him. All I know is I do --- in the worst fucking way. And, today, it seems that's all I can think about.

You know what... I really need to try and get some work done. 'Cause I know, no matter how much he loves me, if my ass gets fired he sure as hell ain't gon pay my bills. I'll holla later... or not. I don't know. Bye.

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