april 15th to the 28th of 07

04.23.2008 // 10:42 am


Just called Jurmany in Germany. It's 9.40 in the mornin over there now. I don't know why I called. The guy, Dwayne, said he wasn't with him but that he would tell him I called. I'm not sure what I would
have said if he was there. This is gonna be strained at best. Dude shuts down mad easy. I don't know. I don't think this is gonna work.

The only reason I'm even awake is because my near-death-experience-havin friend left me a message sayin her ex tried to kick down her damn door! I stayed up talkin to her and decided to call in sick. I have to finish a bunch of shyte for school plus get my tax shyte together. I may end up having to file a damn extension. Too much to do and I procrastinated myself into a corner once again. I told my girlfriend I would call her at 5.30 to wake her. She has to call into work. I have to call the job and the cab guy at 7.00 am to tell him not to come for me.

I am less and less interested in Coal every day, now. He copped a 'tude when I didn't call him during spring break at all. But I'm sayin... you basically made it clear that we wasn't never 'bout doin shyte except what we do. So, since I don't want that shyte from you no more, why would I call you? Plus before we left, he tried to imply that I was somehow bad luck to him! Then this week he tells me I'm a punk... a cool punk... but a punk nonetheless. He claimed he would call this weekend to
explain himself. He aint call and I sure as hell aint call. What's the point?

I am cool with Brown again. Told him Jurmany wants to be friends and he said he's ok with it. I'm glad but a part of me is wonderin why is he ok with it. I'm not gonna question it. We hashed out my issues with him from friday and he said he just managed his time badly and that he wasn't playin on the computer. I kept askin him not to explain shyte to me unless I ask for an explanation but he kept at it. It made me angry again so he stopped. Lol! Eventually I did tell him I was sad because our relationship seems average now where as before I was on cloud9. Well... he didn't take kindly to that shyte. He said it "alarmed him". He couldn't figure out why I would see things diff just because he
brought my paperwork over so late. It was a really long conversation, but it ended okay... phoned. Lol!

He also agreed to go to the end of term party with me. I gotta find out when is the deadline to pay for the tickets. They're 60 bucks. I would have him crash bit that's just too ghetto... something Coal would
probably do. Lol! June 16th seems far, but its not. I need to get with the program so I can find something really nice to wear. I am actually looking forward to it this year. I wasn't sure I was even going but now that Brown's on board, I think I'll be ok. Gotta get the money for the ticket together plus I owe my co-worker $60 for a printer she bought me for my classroom. Man, I have much to tend to... PLUS I gotta get this apt lookin right. If I'm gon be with dude in any serious way, I'm gon have to work this mess out. He said he does plumbing so he can put my sink in for me. But... I gots to get the place together first. I'm hopeful... leery... but hopeful.

Brownie got his house! The number is 457. I am really really nervous now. I don't wanna mess this one up. Lmao! I hope I can trust him. Ironic, right? Oh well. Rocked his world in the car. Never heard a
man scream so loud. Nica got battle scars now! Damn shame.

Jurmany texted from Germany. Told him when he gets back we need to talk. He was talkin bout goin out for a nice dinner and then getting a suite with a nice jacuzzi. Man... I don't know how men do this? I feel like Brown is the better choice, but I am still real uneasy. Still movin a lil fast with him too. Left to him, we would have done the deed already. I don't know how long to wait. This is really stressful.

I called Jurmany this afternoon. My fuckin third eye blinked like a mofo when Dwayne asked me who was calling before he gave him the phone. I'm like... if he's not seeing anyone else why wouldn't D
automatically know to just give him the phone? Who else did he give the number to? More over, why did it bother me? I should be glad right? Him seeing other people means less pressure on me.

Anyway.... Brown cancelled on me for tonight. He wants to do Friday instead. I swear, the frequency of his online activity really does make me uncomfortable. It's not like he is talking to me. And what s straight dude talks to other dudes online so much? Nah. He's talkin to other females. For sure. I decided I'm gonna keep everything on the hush now. He is getting comfortable already. He seemed to work a little harder when I was just out of his reach. I need to check the rules again. I know I fucked up by telling him that he was the only one. I should have had him hustle for it a little bit harder... at least until Jurmany got back home. I need to slow down and think faster... talk slower. I would hate to see this one get away after getting to actually see his potential. But, trust, I will roll the fuck out if he is on some bullshit. For real. I dont feel like dealing with it anymore.

Jurmany makes me nervous as well, but I don't know... part of me feels like his age accounts for some of the early errors. Then there's the physical attraction thing. Man oh man. This is hard to handle right now. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I agreed to go eat with Grimace. I donít know why. Anyway, I but ended up taking a raincheck. I wasn't
terribly enthused to begin with and then Brown said he was gonna stop by to say hi so it didn't happen. He also made this nasty ass joke when I asked him what he felt like eating. (use your imagination.) He said he was kidding but it was really inappropriate. I feel like if you're gonna kid around with me, don't say anything u wouldn't want my man to find out u said. Whatever. Jurmany will be home on Saturday. I won't have time for anyone but him and Brown anyway.

Brown didn't come over and didn't call. Instead he went home and got online. I was annoyed and ended up calling him. Coal called in the middle though so I got off. Called him back and he didn't answer. I was so mad I logged of yahoo and AIM and went to bed.

As fas as Coal... hmmmmÖ where do I start? Well, he claimed he was thinkin bout me. (Ummhmm... I'm sure) he wanted to try and talk to me bout buying a house with him. This man has never kept his word to me about even little insignificant things. Why the hell would I enter a business venture with
him? Not!!! Then he decides to try and talk some smack about us getting together sexually at some point. I told him I wasn't interested. He pressed a lil but basically it seems to me that he doesn't care if it happens or not. I think he would just be glad of it did. He thinks with his cock. The whole convo was wierd. I told him bout my friendís near death experience/situation and he told me that he thought he would be dead by age 25. Says he had been in police car chases and all kindsa stuff as a young teen and his mother moved him and his brother out the hood so they wouldn't die. It was interesting, but it stopped abrubtly. I didn't try and get any more out. I just kept thinking about how this time last year I would have looked at him telling me that stuff as an attempt at bonding. Now, it just seemed like interesting foder for conversation. Wow. Amazing how shyte can just deteriorate.

Went to see Blades of Glory with Brown. He had a headache and was sleepy. He ended up sleeping through the whole movie. Ordinarily I would be angry and insulted if this happened to me on a date, but he has this crazy habit of denying all symptoms of illness, discomfort or urgent need for sleep just so he can spend a little more time with me or spent a little longer talking to me on the phone. It's silly, but I have to admit I like it. Its nice to know he enjoys being around me that much. Plus, it gives me a chance to scold him for lying about that kind of stuff and then baby him when he does it anyway and ends up falling out. LOL!

The drive back to my house was a long one and his eyes were really red. So, I made him take an Alleve. Yes, MADE him... he hates taking medication of any sort but he kept furrowing his brow and trying to smile and pretend his head didn't hurt. I couldn't take seeing him like that, so I forced him to take the pill. It helped a little, but nothing was gonna work completely, except sleep. So, we went and got a room so he could sleep for a while before driving back home. I was a little nervous, but okay with it. There's gotta be a first time for everything, I suppose. Well, we got REALLY close tonight. We didn't do it though. He wanted to but it was a bad time for me. That was actually a bit of a blessing.

I kinda fell off the wagon a little bit with Coal last month and was worried that we might have went half on a damn baby. Oh Geesus! Can you imagine? Whoa. I dodged a bullet right dere fa sho! Lmao!

Anyway, Brown knew I was on my cycle YET wanted to do it anyway. It was kinda my own fault. We got to the room and he really did do what he said he would do... lay down and start to doze off... totally stayed in his lane. I was the one that started gettin fresh... 'lil fast a$$. LMAO! So before I judge him, I know I need to remember that left to him, all that woulda happened in that room woulda been some hardcore snoring. So, okay, I was the one that started all the kissin and cuddlin' and stuff but that still don't mean he needed to ask me if he could get it in KNOWIN' I was FLOWIN'! Hello? I must be very naive because I always thought guys were only willing to do that nasty type shyte with women they are truly, truly in love with. I mean, DC went there with me twice. I was so thoroughly disgusted the first time, I couldn't figure out how in the hell that shyte was okay to him. Then he explained how he
saw the situation and why it wasn't nasty to him and made me feel okay with it too. (Long story... I'll tell it some other time) But that was DC. By the time he took me like that, we had history. But I'm feelin
like it's too soon for Brown to be willing lay with me under those conditions. Should I be scared if him? I mean, is he some kind of nasty fuck that just doesn't care? Or am I overreacting? We have both talked
about our feelings and how scary it is that we feel as strongly as we do already, but still... I don't know... Whatever. The point is, we didn't do it and I'm comfortable with what did happen.

I still don't plan on sexing him any time soon though. We started talking casually around the end of February, but he didn't really seem that into me. So, we would only chat every now and then. Nothing
serious. I didn't really feel too much of a connection. But then Jurmany left for Europe and something happened. I don't know how it happened but after talking to Brown for literally 12 hours STRAIGHT we went on our first non-date. I been diggin this dude ever since. I want to take this to the next level, but I am so freakin shook. I don't know if my heart can take another blow. Part of me feels like I should prolly just date 100 niccas all at once and never give my heart to any of 'em because eventually one or all of 'em will break that bytch.

Brown has potential though. He made me like him when I didn't even really see him in that way at first. I want to give myself to him, but I need to know its the right time. Something that insignificant can
change everything. I know that from personal fcking experience. I'm thinking next month should be okay... maybe the following month? I don't know. I mean, I can easily make a list of all the things that are working for me but that list needs to be significantly longer than the one that details what's not working for me. Right now they're about the same. No they're not. Actually there are only two or three things that are working against him right now. (Again... some other time.) The fact still remains, I can't move forward 'til either those things change or I grow to accept them... which ever comes first. Waiting is the worst though because I know I can't change anyone but myself. So what that means is all I can do is just wait and see.

Jurmany is full of shit. I just went on his forum and he was postin to that shit all through the month of April. Nicca had me wonderin when exactly he would be home on Saturday. Then I read in the forum that he was supposed to land at Newark around 2 in the afternoon. Wtf? Not even a call? Again with the bullshit? Whatever. Its all about Brown... that is until I find out exactly what THAT nicca is up to. Oh
yeah... I'm not stupid. I know how this shyte is gon go down. I'm just bracing myself for the hit. I'ma ride til it comes though.

Damn. I am so blown right now. Shyte.


Okay... I just texted him and asked if he was home yet. He texted me back and said he got home late last night. Now... I read where this nicca wrote that he was landin at 2 in the afterfuckingnoon so wtf? I
swear, Brown better not let me down because I can already tell I'm gon pick him. Jurmany is a blow.


Didn't hear from Brown at all today so I called at 6:30. Left a VM sayin hi. He didn't call back... ďHmmm," I thought, "That's not like him. I hope nothing's wrong." I just called back at 10:07. It rang... someone answered... I heard music... they hung up. Um... yeah. I guess that says it right there. Oh... I also did not talk to Jurmany. We texted some bs small talk for ten minutes around 11 this mornin but that was about it. I'm going to bed now. I refuse to devote anymore brain power to this crap. I'm done.


Damn. I wanna call Brown back so bad. I'm not gon take his calls tomorrow. That's all.


Shyte. I got this knot in the pit of my stomach. I wanna call. Okay... 3rd time... last time... fuck... here goes... 10:44... it just took me to voicemail. I literally wanna throw up right now.


Jurmany just sent me a text while I was calling Brown. I answered. More small talk. I asked him to call me instead of texting and he didn't respond at all. No text and no call. Fuck! I really wanna throw up!


It's 1:41 am. I went to sleep but I keep wakin up. I can not get this shyte outta my head. Brown's not at home cuz when he's at home he's usually online. But the last time he was online was Saturday... Is he
really doin this shyte? I am buggin out right now. No. For real. Oh... but Jurmany is online. He's logged in 24/7 from his phone like me. I can tell when he's on from home cuz the lil phone icon disappears from by his name. So I guess that means he was out with someone who wasn't
supposed to know he was talking to me. Gotdayum. Yo, I refuse to believe I got hit with a one-two sucka punch, just like that. On the same fucking day?? Come on, man!!!! You gotta be kidding me!!!!! Oh God... my stomach is so fucked up right now... I wanna go back to sleep, but I can't get this out my head. I'm actually laying here, writin all this shyte on my damn phone!

I am fighting everything in me that's making me want to call this dude. I think I would have felt better if all the calls went to vm. But someone answered the second call. I heard it. I heard music. I'm not fucking crazy. But why would he flip it like that? We went out Friday and he called me on Saturday. He told me he was going out on Saturday night. And then this shyte on Sunday? There has not been a
single day since we started where we haven't either spoken to each other or seen each other. This makes no sense at all. Shyte. I wanted to know how this would end but I didn't think it would end like this. This is Bananas. Fuck it... I'm calling.... fucking voicemail again. Okay... I
am really about to cry right now.

Brown called and told me that his phone fell in water and got fckd up. Thatís why we havenít spoken. I know heís not being hnest with me but at this point Iím just embrassing my denial. In the immortal words of Jonny Lang, ďLie to meÖ and tell me everything is alright.Ē

I need to be very careful now. We hung out in the car today afterwork and I kinda casually tossed out "so, is that what we are now? A couple?" pretty much a "yes or no" kinda question, ri? Well old boy
kicks back "I don't know... are you ready to be a couple?" WTF?? I told you how many people I was dealing with and the minute you became the only one, I told you. How you gon ask me some shit like that? I can NOT get caught up with this nicca any deeper than I already have... not til he gets more explicit bout what this is we're doin.

Oh... and while I'm on the subject of clarity He has this "I wuv you" thing that he says all the time now... not I LOVE you but WUV you. W! T! F!!!! I have yet to say it back. I don't know what that mess is
about. He must've sensed to crookedness of the eye with which I was lookin at his ass the first time he said it. So he goes "WUV not LOVE. Wuv means like caring for like a friend or like you know." Oh sweet Geesus... why can't people just say what they feel? Life would be so much easier. I guess he's concerned I'd think he was a lil nutz for falling in love so quickly. I said it for the first time like 3 or 4
weeks in. Or maybe he doesn't feel any of that and just wants to put something out there that he thinks is gonna help seal the deal. Oh... yeah. I forgot to mention... we STILL haven't had sex yet. Man oh man it is killin me too! Lmao!! I gotta wait though. I know myself. When I lay down wit a dude thinks start to speed up. It's like looking at a video in fast forward... you see what's happening... you understand what's happening, but still, you miss a lot of the little things... the nuances that can
make all the difference when the movies ends and you find yourself confused about how you got to that point. I am really REALLY comfortable with him. I want this to work.

I wish Coal was still an option. Too bad he makes me wanna hurl. LMAO!!! I never thought I'd get to the point where seeing him didn't do a damn thing for me anymore. I still like toying with him cuz
he's so easy, but I really don't want that nicca even to touch me now. That's how turned of by him I am. I still can't believe him. Lately I been jettin right after work. School has been kickin my ass and he
just isn't important enough for me to hang around talking to; especially since I have crazy work to do at home. So, I been rollin out round 3:30. The other day he gone tell me I'm avoiding him. I just laughed. This nicca knows where I live. He has every number under the sun. If he wanna talk we can talk. His problem is he only wanna talk about fuckin or (oh and this is gooood....) investing in a HOUSE with me! This mutha fucka done lost his mind! Why don't I just go to the toilet and flush my damn
money away?? Why in the world would I trust you like that? You aint done shit to make me trust you in the year and change I been talkin to you. I'm gonna buy a house with you? You don't even want to be in a relationship with me! You told me I bring you bad luck! Whaaaat?? Oh this nicca is an ass. Period. So I decide to just smile and nod til he stops askin dumb questions. The next day comes and he asks me outright "I did something to you?"

Yesterday, he didn't say a single word to me. He just ignored me entirely. Why is this selfproclaimed grownass man acting like a lil bitch right now??

Brown... please don't fuck this up... I am soooo excited at the potential
for what could happen here... please don't fuck this up.

Coal just called. He is totally ANGRY about Brown. He told me he wasn't happy for me and that he hopes it doesn't work because he has "feelings" for me. I don't know what kinda fuckin feelins he could have for me except that he's horny. Unfortunately I told him that. Ummm... r..e...a...l...l...y.... bad idea! He went ballistic and started going on and on about how he's been horny but hasn't bothered me since last month when I had him on his knees!

Adult Sidebar (Kiddies leave the room now):
Last month, this nicca came over and I took a flying fucking swan dive off the No-more-dick-from-Coal wagon. Man... have you ever done some shyte and WHILE you were doin it you're thinkin, "Aaaww shyte. This can't be good." Well that's what this was like. We started kissing and I knew it would just be all down hill from there so rather then get completely caught up I made him eat me out and then sent him home. I felt bad at first, but Iím over it now. LMFAO!!!!!!!


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