Sept. 11th to Oct. 8th of 07

11.29.2008 // 3:06 pm


Met a dude we'll call the Body. He got issues like whoa! He is easily to prettiest dude that's ever stopped me though. He lives across the street from the job. I let him walk me to the cab stand.

Had lunch with Body at his apartment. Unfortunately, one of my co-workers saw my departure. Oh well. Left early work early anticipating hanging out with dude tonight. Nada.

Called Body, early with a really bad date idea. I proposed something else and he said ok. Made the "date" and then got a call from his p.o. (um hmmm... I know). Never heard from him again. Found out Pokey, the chick that wated to talk to Coal, tried to talk to him too. When h finally called me back, he told me he was blowing out a candle and burned his face with hot scented oil. He now has grey contacts in his eyes to "protect" them. WTFFFFF?????

Tried another "date". Called at 3:45 but never called back. Never found out what the p.o. ishu was.

(Btw.... Already mentioned him to four individuals. No details (except to one... kinda) but still. What is that about? Dumb.)

Deja vu...

Just lost my very last cool point. I managed to keep Coal at bay for quite a while, but last nite was so easy. Already I am regretting that mess. I know it only happened b/c of how Body messed up. If that would have gone the way I wanted, this never could have happened. I put up absolutely no resistance. Now I'm angry. I'm annoyed. I'm scared. I'm embarassed. I'm everything you shouldn't be the morning after. All I keep thinking about is all the mistakes I keep making over and over again. He actually called me at 2:30 am and told me he needed a hug b/c he hasn't hugged his mom in 2 weeks. That was all it took to get me to his place. The ride home was painful but I was good at covering. At the house, he saw me typing in this and asked if it was a txt or a memo to myself. I told him "I'm sorting out my feelings... is that okay with you?" He smiled, but then when he dropped me off, he said, "Maybe one day you can share with me what's in your memo." Oh... forgot to mention... he went to the shower and at my feet (not unlike Bubbles) was an Express, size medium, black and gold, spaghetti strapped thing. Talk about a fckin gut check. I don't know why I went over there. Why did I go over there???


Body called and wants to hang out today. I suggested we go by the water down on Montague. He suggested we get food and a hotel room. This is the second time he has brought this up. I have only known dude for six days! Man on man... I'm out the frying pan into the fire.

I blew off Barney to hang with Body and Barney beeped in on the call. Then Body hung up and wouldn't answer when I called back. This is not going to work. I can tell already.

He just called back and he's taking the 2 train to Borough Hall. I'm gonna meet him there. Why? I don't know. Damn I am going backwards like a mthafka!!

Body borrowed $20 from me last week... never got it back.
He asked if I would by him a 40. I flat out refused.
He just walked me to duane reade and asked me to pick up a $.64 comb for him. I did. Then he walks me to the cab stand and asks for $5.00 for cigarettes. He talkin bout becoming my personal trainer. 3days a week for $60. I almost wanna do it just so I can say dude has a damn job! What the fuck??

How can u text me at 3:39 am and know I'm a teacher and have to be at work early?? I didn't reply b/c I was sleep but that mess woke me up. Now its 5:23 and I still aint been back to sleep. Oh... and since my dumb ass went and said I would let him be my personal trainer I'm gonna have to slide outta that shit as well. We'll stay "friendly", but now that my one true love has returned from a 3 year tour in Germany, I know now that my feelings for him never really died. Seeing him again made them all come back, it was like he never left. He's talking about building something and I want that too, so I can't start anything new right now. Because there is a physical attraction, I probably can't do that personal training thing right now. How in the world did I get myself into this one??

10.3.07 I told Body in a series of texts last nite that I don't think we have any romantic chemistry.

Coal has been flirting, kinda. I've been flirting back. At this point I am pretty convinced that my attachment to him stems from my fear of having to start over with somebody. Brown was supposed to be the one that got me past all this, but he turned out to be be a total turd.

Jermany has been texting asking about the dvd I told him I would return to him. Him and his movie are not too high on my list of priorities right now.

I remember when this kind of shyte actually mattered.

Jurmany left a pissy message about how he's gonna assume I ain't talkin to him no more and that I ain't send the movie back. I wish I woulda just left him with the movie in his damn pocket. If I did I'm 99.99% sure he wouldn't even be calling me now. All he care about is the movie. Its actually funny how he tryin to act like he cares about whether or not he ever sees me again. Whatever.

Brown has been crossing my mind lately. I don't want him back. I've just been thinking about how comfortable I felt with him. I wonder if I'll ever find that with anybody again....

I feel like shit right now. On friday Coal made a point of telling me that he'd be alone in the house for 7 days and that he would call me during this 3 day weekend. "72 hrs off... yeah... you will be hearing from me." Well, surprise, surprise, its now 1:57 Monday morning. I return to work tomorrow and he hasn't so much as text me.

I keep thinking about all the fucked up shit I know about him and CHOOSING to put it out of my mind. Instead I have been laying down thinking about what would happen if we started over. Truth is, I know what would happen. He'd shit on me the same way he's been shitting on me.

I've resisted the urge to call Body, but I'd be a fckn liar if I said this shit didn't hurt this time. It always hurts, but this time is different somehow. I don't know. I am just sick of feeling like this. Now I have to go back to work on tuesday and act like none of this got under my skin. I actually went out of my way to somewhat prepare for the call. In reality I needed to just assume he wasn't gonna call and just went ahead and made all the plans I should've made this weekend. I'm never gonna make this mistake again.

BTW, I feel so sick right now. My throat is open and plegmy. I think the stress of this shit actually got to me. I'm startin to get stys and everything. The worst part is having to sort through all of this by myself. I just wish I could find someone to put all of this out of my mind. Brown and Body came the closest. DC sent me a couple of texts the other day and I didn't even feel a flutter. It was like I never even loved him. Weird. Coal actually filled that space in my heart and doesn't even care. I'm not gonna say he doesn't know because I honestly think he does. He has to. Why else would I still be so accomodating in the face of all the disrespect and manipulation?

God... please give me strength....


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May 18th of 08 - 11.29.2008

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May 5th to May 12th of 08 - 11.29.2008