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May 18th to July 8th of 2007

09.27.2008 // 10:34 am

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5.16.07 to 7.8.07

5.16.07 I got to a really good place with Coal. And by "good place" I mean a point where I sincerely don't give a shit who/what he does. It's gon be a looong time before I feel that way about Brown.

5.21.07 I totally set the stage for what happened this evening.... I knew if I worked late, wore my skinny jeans and that tank top with all the cute little pink and blue cupcakes on it, I would get Coal's attention.... I was right. He flirted a little at first. I toyed with him a lil bit, acting coy and shyte. My assitant stayed til about 6:50 which kinda blew me. I thought she'd be gone be 6:00. In a way it's good that she didn't. Things could have really gotten out of hand. Anyway... after she left to go home, he got really aggressive. I started to say no, but then just fell into it. We didn't go all the way, but I know exactly why it happened.

I heard from Brown 2 days in a row and it kicked up some shyte for me. When he was into me, I didn't give a fck bout Coal. He didn't even turn me on anymore. But now I just feel like... I don't know... I guess it just felt good to hear someone say he wanted me. Nicca kept saying my name and I could tell he really did miss me - parts of me anyway. Lol.

It started with him sitting infront of me and making these teeny tiny circles on my thighs with the tip of his finger. I sat with my legs crossed and my arms folded the entire time. (He still thinks I'm in a relationship. After what he said last time we talked I decided not to tell I became single again.) I didn't want him to know I was into it... that I wanted it. So, I just sat there and let him tickle my legs. He soon got bored with that though. Eventually he was standing over me, leaning in and kissing my neck. I let him. He moved down to my chest and I could hear myself breathing. There was no way I could pretend I wasn't into this now. He knew I wanted it. He touched my breasts, through my shirt at first, and then he put his hands inside. He kept trying to kiss my mouth but I wouldn't let him do it. (I'm not entirely sure why.) So he went back to my neck and then my chest and then he kept moving south. He was rough. It hurt a little bit, but I liked it. I finally uncrossed my arms. After that, I don't remember too much... my breasts came out bra bra... his dick came out his pants... we stopped when my cab called to say he was outside.

What's funny is that now he thinks I'm cheating on my "man" with him. Part of me wants to tell him so that he doesn't think I'm a cheater. But at the same time, if he knew I was single again, I might make good on his promise to push up on me extra hard. I don't want that. I honestly don't want him anymore. At this point, I think his appeal lies in the fact that he is just incredibly convenient. LMAO!

5.22.07 4 of my kids got 2s on th ela and social studies test. Bryan got a 3 on the social studies. I was scared I'd get all 1s. Ronaldy was the only 1 in social studies. I know the afterschool program helped a lot with those scores, but whatever. I get to keep my job another year w/o folks talking shyte. Lets see if I get the lil pat on the back that the other sp.ed. teacher got last year. She got mad 3s this year though. Whatever. I just need to come up with a plan so I can get excited about this work... a new certification or something. I'm leaning towards drama but with no magnet money and budget cuts coming soon I may end up doing special ed again. I don't know. I want 2nd grade though. I think that would be fun.

Jurmany is turning me off more and more every day.

5.25.07 made a movie with Coal.

5.27.07 I told DC bout Brown and what he did. He wrote, "Damn. Sound like he seein somebody else." I knew this already but for some reason having him confirm it is affecting me. I feel angry and sad right now. I was annoyed before, but this is something entirely different. I'm not going to talk about this again. It hurts.

6.19.07 I keep playin games with Coal cuz I miss Brown so fckin much. I know it's kinda mean, but he doesn't seem to mind the blue balls. We'll start kissin and touchin and shyte and he'll start beggin for more... and this is the fcked up part... my panties could be soaked like a mthafcka I REFUSE to give him any. I know there's some former psych major pickin my shyte apart as we speak, but whatever. I'm being honest. That shyte makes me feel powerful. Brown pulled the rug right out from under my ass. It took forever for me to trust him and as soon as I did he fcked me over. So now, I just want to control something, I guess... or someone. Then there's the fact that it feels good to know that someone wants me, even if its not the person I want to want me.

6.21.07 I haven't really wrote anything in a second. Been basically savin texts and IMs hopin readin those shytes would hold me down. It worked for a second, but I eventually caved. I knew I would. I reached out twice. The first time was for a legitimate reason. I needed him to download a song for me so I could teach it to my kids for their graduation. Fine. But then today, some fckin devil got in me and made me just come right out and text that nicca askin if he was still single. What the fck was that for? Dude sees me online just as often as I see him and don't say shyte. Why would I do that? I know why. Coal triggered me today.

He told me he's going to this shindig they have at the end of the school year because... get this... our BOSS bought his ticket and said he HAS to go! There is this real funny energy between them but whatever. That's not what this is about. Back when things were good between me and Brown were really feelin each other he said he would come to this thing with me. Well, it's five days away and... well... we aint cool no more. I had decided I wasn't gonna even go, even though the only two chicks at my job that aren't hateful bytches kept beggin me to go. Then today, Coal says he's going and what do I do? Run out and buy a $300 dress and ask Brown "Have you moved on? Like... are you single still?"

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??!!! AAAAHHH!!! I COULD JUST KNOCK MYSELF OUT RIGHT NOW! *sigh*

Now I got this dress, which is non-returnable by the way, no date to take me to this thing and if I plan on goin I need to drop 60 bones by tomorrow mornin on my OWN ticket! Mind you, Coal aint spent a dyme on his shyte yet! Plus, he prolly gonna avoid me like the plague all nite so "bosslady" and other various hater-aid aficianados don't trip. Nicca got a nice ride, but guess what? I don't dare ask him to ride me over there. Ooooh... what would people say?? You know what? The more I write, the more I feel like I need to just stay the fuck home on Tuesday night. For real. I am REALLY not feeling myself right now. Like, if this was on TV I woulda changed the channel a looong time ago... like... "Ugh... I can't stand this dumb bytch!" *click*

6.26.07 coal didn't go. I'm glad I I'd though. Drunk coworkers really can take all ur troubles away. Lmao!

7.2.07 Coal called to find out what I'm doing today. I remember when I would get sooo excited when I heard from him. Now I don't feel anything. Nothing to look forward to. Its all just been laid out and I am so underwhelmed.

Sent Ink a text to confirm for tonight and this nicca tells me he goin to the hospital for his headache. That's fine but ummm were u not going to let me know?

Decided to send Tiger a text. He aint answer. I can't blame him.

Dennis called twice. That's 5 times in 2 days. Stalker!!!

Brown called me talkin about I need to come help him paint. That's the second time he played himself like that. I made joke and small talk but I did not go help his ass. Period. I have lost such respect for dude.

Jurmany called to ask if I have time for him now. Claims he been in the city but I was too busy to talk to him. Whatever man.

7.8.07 went to see Jurmany. We saw a movie and I went home. 6 hours total travel time for nothing. That'll teach my dumb axx.

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