Apr. 3rd to Apr. 22nd of 08

11.29.2008 // 6:58 pm


I am ignoring things that might be important later. He can get really ignorant when he's mad. He took a 2 day suspension because he was mad at his boss who reprimanded him for being half an hour late... I sent a text wishing him an uneventful shift but he didn't text back. Then I called him the see how his day went. He hasn't called me back and I left that voicemail 6 hours ago. The last time this happened he got into a fist fight at the job and ended up in jail. That doesn't have to be the case now. But, I must admit, this is one time when I am starting to feel uneasy... like, is this a pattern and if it is, is this something that can even be addressed or is it a deal breaker? It probably sounds nuts but we talk (in hypotheticals, of course) about having a real future together. How can I have a future with someone who knows how important his job is but is constantly finding himself in situations that threaten his position or result in suspensions? I hate to bring the age thing up, but that is such a blaring sign of immaturity.

I've decided not to call or text him anymore and to stop looking forward to his calls so much. A routine has developed that's clearly giving me a false sense of security and clouding my ability to examine things without my ever-present rose colored glasses. I NEED to keep my wits about me and iggin this shit shows I'm clearly slippin.

Something is wrong. I don't know if its me or if there's really some sorta disconnect but I really do feel like something is wrong. The energy is off. I'm finding myself easily offended/annoyed by someone who only 24hrs ago was oh-so-dreamy. I'm even at the point where I could use a day or two of *dun-dun- duunnnnn* "space". You know what? It has to be me. Seriously. Maybe I'm just one of those people who can't maintain longterm connections with people.

He called me last night and told me he was blown cuz he aint get to see me but really wanted to. Yet, he didn't want to call because he thought that he'd disturb me. What? You call every day at the same time just to say what's up. So what are you talking about?? Incidentally, I called him at around 3:30 to see if he was around but got no answer. Then he calls me at 9:26 pm (clearly too late for us to hang out) and tells me you wanted to see me? So of course I'm thinking "Oh... okay... this nicca is special." Great.

So just now (5:30 pm) he called and the call dropped. I call back and he doesn't answer the phone. I am getting really pissed off now. For real. Okay... maybe I am harboring just a touch of subconscious saltiness about the fact that we don't get to spend very much time together and last night prolly just got my panties in a bunch, but I'm sayin. Does this not seem a lil off? *sigh* I know unrealistic expectations really are just planned resentments. Maybe its my fault for having expectations at all.

I am such a loooooser! He just came by here. He's testing the waters with the "L" word. He met my mom. Omg... am I really having this experience?

I called to see if we could hangout today. Its gorgeous. He can't because he worked a double and hasn't slept in 14hours. *sigh* I was pretty good at hiding my disappointment, I think. But I can't lie. I was mad. And its only gonna get worse because he is starting yet ANOTHER JOB on the weekend. He feels the need to go hard to do for me things I'm okay with doing for myself. I love that he is so honorable, but I wish I had more of his time.

Coal came in my room and actually had the nerve to call me "nasty, mean and selfish"!! Me??!!!! Mind you I have been so damn considerate and kind to him; a fckr who has never done a thing for me not even the shyte I would expect from a good friend much less somebody that's gettin it in. He thinks only of himself and what others can do for him. Period. Oh, but now that I've decided not to put up with the shyte anymore I'm the mean, nasty, selfish one? Whatever!!!! Go fck urself LOSER!!!!!

We're planning a trip to Mexico this summer. Yup. I got a good one! Yippee!!! Another reality check... I just called and his cell phone is disconnected. Oh boy.

Oh... yesterday, Coal came in the room and overheard me talking to TJ about our travel plans. He said nothing. He just did a 180 and walked right back out. I smiled a little at that. Tee hee heee!

Its official... TJ is in love. He said the words and I said them back. And now, I am terrified. I love this feeling, but I also feel incredibly vulnerable. If this shyte doesn't work out its gonna be a death blow.

Went to dinner with my homegirl on Friday so I didn't get to talk to TJ that evening. He called around 11:30pm but I was tired so I told him I missed him but I would talk to him in the mornin cuz I was sleep. Well, he aint call that mornin and when I called his phone was off/dead. I thought nothing of it. He always has phone issues.

I called at 2:30 that afternoon and left him a message. No call back. Called a few times Sunday. The phone went back and forth between either ringing and going to voicemail or just going straight to voicemail. Ooookay. I'm starting to feel a bit of uneasiness, but I do my best to push the negativity outta my head.

So now it's Monday and I haven't heard from him for the whole weekend, so I call yet again. I leave a message (a pretty damn non-threatening one I might add) basically saying, "Okay. What's up? I haven't heard from you all weekend. Just checkin in. Peace." Real basic. Still no fucking call back. So at 3:38 AM (yes... AM) I called and basically told him he needs to call me back cuz now I'm losing sleep behind not hearing from him for days and I have to get up early in the morning so just call and let me know what's up. I've decided not to touch my phone again to call him. I don't know what's going on, but I can not handle the disappearing act bullshit. I've told him this once before. In fact HE was the one that told me that he needs to hear from me everyday even if it's just for 10 minutes so he can hear my voice. So wtf??

Now... I am somewhat superstitious, but I try not to let my imagination run away with me. But on Friday afternoon, I was invited to dinner by one of my co-workers and I let it slip that I was seeing someone. That sparked a whole conversation and she seemed pretty happy for me. She has no reason not to be. She's engaged and in a healthy, happy relationship of her own. Plus, I figure I can trust this person since she has shared some pretty serious secrets with me in the past. Yet, as soon as I told her, I found myself thinking, "Dag, you just fckd up, Mac. Now ur shyte is gon fail." I don't know why I thought that. I aint think that after I told Coal. But be that as it may, I am seriously concerned now. I know it prolly sounds crazy but how else do you explain it?

On Thursday he was cuddling with me talking about our plans and how hard it is to end our conversations or leave one another. On Friday morning I get a call from him while I'm on my way to work. He called just to tell me how much he missed me. Friday afternoon he was still missin me and called to tell me so. And now pOoF!! Just like that? Maybe I'm over-reacting. I don't know. I just know I am experiencing some major anxiety right about now and that shyte is not the move. :-(


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May 5th to May 12th of 08 - 11.29.2008