Jan. 2nd to Jan. 14th of 08

11.29.2008 // 5:08 pm


I got to work and Coal wished me happy New Year. I tried my hardest to be jovial

Coal called to see if I was okay since I hadn't come into work. Funny... he never called before. I told him I went to the dentist and he said, "Okay. Nothing major. I was just checking on you." Whole convo took 3 minutes. Wierd.

Saw Coal and said "Hi." He glance over his shoulder and then mumbled, "Hello." I am feeling better and better about this decision everyday.

Spoke to TJ for about 3 hours. Really enjoyed myself. We are prolly gon be just friends, but I am learning a lot about myself by talking to him.

1. I have MAJOR trust issues and will singlehandedly poison every relationship I get into if I don't check that shit...when appropriate of course.

2. Boys are people too. During our convo he shared some things I wouldn't expect from a guy. Most are so busy being macho and shyte. I guess he's okay tellin me stuff cuz I'm older... oh Geesus. I hope he doesn't have some kinda Oedipal complex!!

1.6.08 12:30pm
Coal is high. He just called me to say, "this phone call is just so I can let you know I got love for you... yup... you got it. I was just sittin here thinkin bout you and you made me smile like, 'Yo M.D.' ... so I just had to call you and tell you that." Ummm.... k.

1.8.08 4:41pm
Coal called to tell me he "hates sexy people"... he had nothing else to tell me. I am not really sure where he's goin with all of this, but I've moved on...at least I'm tryin to, anyway. He's just coming off as really unsexy, at this point.

1.9.08 6:11pm
I don't know how I'm gonna handle this Coal situation. The feelings I'm experiencing are VERY different that what I felt before. Last time, I felt sad. I wanted him so badly and in such a specific way and it was painful as shyte to know I couldn't. Things are different now though. I don't want him anymore. I am not even the least bit tempted. I want what I want how I want it and I'm not gonna settle. He needs to just go find another convenient hump. Well, the way ya boy acted today did absolutely nothing but make me want him even less.

I stayed late for the first time in weeks, trying to get some work done... big mistake. Now... I distictly remember him saying he was going to make this process "easy" for me. I guess I was dumb to think that meant he was actually gonna leave me alone. Apparently his way of making things easy includes hovering over me constantly, pretending to rub my shoulders and "accidently" touching my boob, sticking his tongue in my ear and then asking me how come I wouldn't consider sending him a pornographic picture of myself. Eeewwwlll!!!! Oh... did I forget to mention that he sent me one of himself? Yes... a real one this time! When I received it I just txt him back, "So, did 10 other people get this one too?" Lmao!! Gaaaawd he is so wack to me now!!!!

Speaking of wack... if you met someone six months ago and the person didn't really show much interest and you never got any replies to your txtmsgs or your voicemails, would you send a picture of yourself with a note asking, "do you remember me?" Ummm... yeah... me neither. Yet I managed to, somehow, meet the one individual who finds this to be absolutely normal. Umm... am I really that fabulous or is dude just Cuh-raaaazy???!!!

*sigh*... I'm seriously beginning to lose hope. Some people are just not meant to be in relationships. Maybe that's my destiny... "MD: the nutty old spinster with the house full of cats and not one real love story to tell... not that there'd be anyone to listen to it..." *sigh* (okay... pity party over now.)

1.10.08 7:58pm
Spoke to TJ for a while. I didn't hear from him yesterday but he called tonight. I'm forcing this. I can feel it. It is so painfully obvious that this guy, while quite adorable and seemingly nice, is not the guy for me. I don't wanna get hung up on the age thing, but it is definitely a factor. That, and the fact that he doesn't seem to be really big on romance, is a definite concern. I want to be one of those people who can just kill time with any ole dude until a better dude comes along, but I'm not. I keep looking for the one that's gonna rescue me from this horrible dating hell so that I don't have to think about it ever again! TJ's not that guy... but, like I said, I'm forcing it. Actually, I don't like the word "force". It's more like "deliberately induced romantic ambivilance". Here's how I know...

I look forward to talking to him now, whereas before I didn't care. I went two weeks without talking to him before and didn't care. One day went by and I was actually wondering if I should call? How would it look? Is it bad to look like I'm interested? Such bullsht. I swear.

Also, I have already mentioned him to two people as my "friend". I NEVER mention guys I'm only seeing casually for the simple fact that it can lead to unsolicited inquiries later on. Once the sht falls apart, I can pretty much count on at least one "Oh, by the way, how's So-and-so? You haven't mentioned him in a while." Yeah... who needs that?

Then there's my tendency to do The Math over and over again. You know... "when I'm this age he'll be this age" and "if I wait to have a baby I'll be this old by the time the kid graduates high school" and "I'm already earning this much. I wonder how long it'll be before he catches up." Wipe that look off ya face. I know I aint the only chick out here doin The Math!

Anyway, I am putting way too much thought into all of this. I want that effortless sht that I had with Brown. I'm tired of having to work at this stuff. It's not fun.

Coal was out Friday and today. He called me at 3pm and I answered because I thought something was seriously wrong. Apparently his mom is back in the hospital for another round of chemo for the next five days. However, the reason he called was to see if I would come spend the night with him tonight.

"Uuummmm..... no."

I swear its as if we never had a conversation at all! I ended this. I know I did! I was there! So was he! So wtf??!!!

On an even creepier note, why am I becoming even more fixated on TJ? (Yeah. You had to have seen that comin' ri? Helloooo? Have we met?!) Anyway, we spoke Thursday but he hasn't called since and I refuse to phone him. Instead I just sit and wait for him to either eventually call me so I can get all giddy and dumb or never call again so I can feel validated in my suspicion that this is exactly how all of my "relationships" are destined to end. Dang... I am sooooo Bridgette Jones right now!!! Grrrr!!!


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Hello again... - 06.20.2012

May 18th of 08 - 11.29.2008

May 17th of 08 - 11.29.2008

May 14th of 08 - 11.29.2008

May 5th to May 12th of 08 - 11.29.2008