Jan. 25th to Feb 3rd of 08

11.29.2008 // 5:22 pm


I signed up for a clinical trial at a local hospital for a procedure that would help me get to my goal weight. Everything seemed to be happening on schedule. Then I got a call saying that the trial's sponsor was postponing signing up any new people until February. Fine. Today I get a call saying that the whole thing is cancelled. I am so upset. I don't even know what I'm feeling. I am realllly close to my goal and I felt like this would put me exactly where I wanna be. Fck! I am so pissed ri now!

Slept at Coal's house and let it ALL hang out. Man oh man I am gettin bold.ob

1.27.08 9:30 pm
I was on the phone with TJ and he hung up in a sorta curt way when his roomate came home talkin shyte. He just said, "Hold on" and then after about a minute he came back to the phone and said, "Mac, I'll talk to you tomorrow." It was so abrubt I just said, "okay" and we both hung up. Afterwards I thought, "Gee, that was kinda rude." No sooner do I have that thought when my phone rings... "Mac. I didn't like how I got off the phone with you. My roomate just came home and aggrevated me as soon as he walked in the door. I'm sorry, Sweetie. We'll talk tomorrow. Have a good night, okay?"

Cool point earned... fair and square.

One of my co-workers came to me today and told me that she has hpvee and herpeez yet she has managed to end up with a fiance! How the fck does that happen?

Life is full of firsts and today I got to experience a not so pleasant one. Got my first uti which was a result of my escapades with Coal on Saturday. I was tight and he used a rubber so we ended up having to use a bunch of lube so it wouldnt hurt me. Well, I guess it didn't agree with me. Serves me right for even going back to that disaster. I'm so fckn embarassed. I KNEW it was gon happen too. I KNEW I was gon mess up and go back! *sigh* Maybe I wanted it. I haven't been with anyone since him. I guess I was craving it. I dunno. Whatever the reason, my ass it payin for it now.

On a happier note. I had my first kiss from TJ tonight. :-) He went to work but then changed his mind and just took off. He has lots of sick time so it was okay. He called to find out if I was still at work and offered to pick me up and give me a ride home. We talked for hours and when it was time for me to leave I could tell he was a lil uncomfortable and unsure of himself. I didn't say anything though. I just unlocked my door, said good night and when I turned back around to see if he was gonna go in, he did. He was nervous and awkward and so, sooo sweet. I am liking him more and more everyday. He called when he got home and I asked him outright, "TJ, do I make you nervous?" (This part was sooo cute...) He says, "Oh no! You could tell? I feel so corny right now! I'm just so attracted to you and... I don't know... I really like you. I'm not 'scared' of you. It's just I feel like a little school girl when I'm around you. All full of butterflies." LMFAO! A little school girl? This nicca is 6' 3" and 260 lbs!! Oh boy... this one is gonna be fun. :-)

I got a text from TJ today, "What's good sexy. Just thinking about u and how good u make me feel when i am around u." I'm not really sure what we're doing, but it feels nice. There's no pressure. No stress. DAMN I am really feelin' this youngin'!

TJ asked his grandmother for her advice last night. He likes me but he's concerned about the fact that he's not as well off financially as I am, at the moment. (I was stuck on the fact that he even brought me up to her. He has kind of a messed up family history but he and his grandmother are super close.) She told him that he should open up to me about his concerns and that if we're gonna work it will be because I understand his situation. He told me all of this after he came clean about his feelings and I told him not to sweat it. I guess then he knew it was safe to tell me what Grandma said. Lucky for me I gave the right answer, I guess.

He keeps repeating the fact that he's not looking for a girlfriend but he also keeps stressing that he speaks to me more than anybody else that he's talking to right now. That kinda makes me want to keep my guard up. He is younger and somewhat confused right now. His last did him dirty in the WORST way. He's not sure what he wants and I would hate to get mixed up with him and then find out that things aren't gonna work in my favor. He always says, "I don't wanna waste your time." Well, that' good cuz I don't want him wasting my time either. Because of his schedule, things between us are moving at a nice, slow, steady pace. I like it... but I'm also not gettin any younger. I know better than to broach the "what are we doing" issue, but still... I can't help but wonder. How is this gonna turn out?


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