Dec. 20 of 07 to Jan 1st of 08

11.29.2008 // 4:49 pm


Early this morning, Coal sends me a picture of his dick with the caption "do u miss it". I ignored it. Ten minutes later he calls to ask if I got it. I made a joke about it but was secretly skeeved by the tackiness of it all.

This afternoon he comes in my room and he pokes fun at the whole thing, "So, have you taken any good pictures lately?" His response, chuckling heartily, "Nah! That was just my little Christmas joke. That aint me in the picture! I sent that joint to like ten people!"

(Insert screeching tire sound here)

So what you're saying is there are at least nine other females (cuz I know u ain't sendin no dick pics to another dude) with whom you are familiar enough to send a picture of a penis that may or may not be assumed to be your own? I wanna vomit right now. I swear... with each passing day, I am more and more grossed out by him. Time passes. My brain fogs over. I begin to miss some of his qualities. And then BAM! He reminds me of just how big an asshole he really is. Why did I sleep wit this man? Why??

12.22.07 11:54 am
Just hung up from Coal. He may be transferring to another school. It would be full time work and he would be able to take time off to take care of his mother. I'm not really sure how it would work but he made it seem like a power move.

He's been a little loose with the tongue lately. So much so that I have begun to actually dislike him. I am jovial but angry at the same time. That creates these moments of pent up hostility that I am forced to pretend don't exist. Yeah. That sux a lot. Example: He called me this morning and went on and on about how my principal keeps trying to get him to come to the office parties. He hasn't attended one in two years. The rumor is that they are fckn. She's not hot but I wouldn't put it past him. She's a powerful ally and always seems to wanna go to bat for his monkey ass, so who knows. He talks sht about her all the time, calls her shady and whatnot, but then refers to her as "a cool bitch." That's a direct quote. Whatever.

Then he proceeds to tell me bout this other teacher in the building that gave him a really expensive xmas gift. All I can wonder is "why?". Btw, this one is hot. Ummhmm.... u see where I'm goin with this, ri? Then he has the nerve to tell me "Oh, everybody in the building gave me something but my [MD] didn't even give me a card." What??!!! It's Jesus' birthday, nicca not yours! I aint got to give you shit... especially since, with the exception of some dick, you aint never gave me a gotdayum thing... EVER! How dare you? Ooooh!!! I hope he does leave. Then I won't have to see his fckn face and deal with this kinda bullsht anymore. I can't wait until his sht doesn't get under my skin anymore.

I been thinkin about Brown a lot lately. I am still incredibly angry about that situation. Coal, literally, did not exist while I was dealing with him. He seemed like my match. Then just fckn flaked for no reason! Then, tried to come back on some ole casual bullsht! Grrrrr!!! I'm still hot bout that sht!

Oh... and now TJ is MIA. We had a convo and the call dropped just as he was sayin, "I know you said don't want a relationship and I don't either, but you are really nice and..." (dead silence) Never spoke to him again. Oddly enough, I don't really seem to care. Dude actually thinks Mariah Scary is better that B.Knowles.... obviously it could never work between us. Duh!

12.30.07 7:28 pm
Coal knows how to get me goin, boy. He starts out by questioning me about not returning his calls or answering when I see its him. I tried to blow it off. He then asked me out right if I'm kicking him to the curb. I didn't expect it. I got flusterred, tonguetied, everything you don't wanna be when your in the middle of dumpin' somebody. "I'm a grown man, MD. Just tell me." So I tell him "I told you before that I needed you to give me space." He goes, "I been doin that though." I guess he thinks calling me and texting me at midnite askin to come over qualifies as space. Anyway, we keep going back and forth and I eventually blurt out, "I think its permanent." He comes back with,"Whatever. You KNOW its permanent. Come on now." I'm like huh? Then he gets pissy and tells me he'll "help me out" in making sure that the breakup is permanent this time. I don't know what that means. He says,"Well I'm not gon keep lookin for somethin and you not lookin for it. That just leads to disappointment." So I get annoyed,"Sounds like you helpin ya self out." This nicca gon come wit, "Well, whatever, you can call it that if you want. Enjoy the rest of your vacation. See you on Wednesday." I was so stunned I had to have him repeat it. Like, you blowin' ME off?? Wtf? He forced the confrontation and then bounced like nuffin!

My girl Tre called me right after that and I just couldn't keep it together. I could not believe I was crying like this man had just done something to me! He ain't shyte. I've always known that. That's why I shut it down. So, why did his attitude bother me so much? He reacted pretty much the same way he did last time. Maybe its the fact that I know its permanent. I am 100% alone right now. Fck. This sux.

This is prolly gon be harder than I thought it would be. Life in that building is pretty lonely for me. A lot of the fire I get from the bytches in there is because of Coal. Now I don't even have him I am really on my own. I have 6 more months of bullshit to endure. I'm prayin that I can make it.

1.1.08 8:14 am
New Year, New Beginnings, right? I should feel happy and blessed that at midnite I was officially loser/user/abuser-free... and I am. I just wish there was someone else. I hate this time... the time right after. I feel like a deflated balloon... listless, spent, unappealing.

I see Coal tomorrow and, because I'm calling out on Thursday the go to the dentist, I have to stay late in order to get some extra work done. I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all. I look like hell and feel even worse. Why do I have to feel everything so deeply? I mean, damn. Does everything have to be so freakin serious? My jaws are killing me my cuz I dreamt about him all last night and was grinding my teeth in my sleep. What the fck is that?

Now I'm at the point where I just don't wanna even leave my house. I want a partner but I guess he'll have to work for UPS or the gas company cuz those are the only ones I can meet without having to leave my house. I just don't have it in me to keep trying and failing. If there's a map or a formula or a magic word can somebody please tell me what it is? Please?

8:47 am
TJ called my cell phone and left a voice message marked "urgent". We haven't spoken since his phone call dropped two weeks ago except for a reciprocated Merry Christmas text that I initiated to see if he was bleeding in a ditch somewhere. He replied. That meant he was fine. I moved on. So why is he calling me now and with what urgent message?

"I just called to wish you Happy New Year. I miss talking to you. I haven't really called you in a while cuz I been kinda goin through some things. But, I'm on vacation now so, if you feel up to it, you can give me a call back when you get this. If not I'll talk to you a lil later then, okay? Bye bye."

Okay... where do I start?

First of all, I thought that the universe had completely removed Mariah Scary's number one fan from my cypher entirely. But ooooooh noooooo! That woulda been too simple, ri? And Macdiva never gets to experience the Simple damn Life! So instead, the universe waits until Mac is feeling like an old, ugly, worthless piece of crap and then plops this highly incompatible human being right into her lap in order to see what she gon do! What a bytch!! Grrrrr!!

Second... "I been goin through some things". That's right up there with "The dog ate my homework." and "I can't do gym cuz I have cramps." Yes he's young, but come on. U can do better than that!


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