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... this is killin me

2003-01-06 // 10:19 a.m.

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I�m in love but cannot do anything about it. I know better than to go there, but that doesn�t change the fact that it hurts like hell.

Wanna hear a joke? I told him how I feel and how hard this whole thing is for me...

He apologized! I thought that was so funny!

How do you apologize for being lovable?

�or for loving me back?

Oh yeah, I didn�t mention that part...

I was content to feel all this sh*t on the low and just whine to you guys about it until the feelings passed and he and I were just homeys. But he was the one that came clean about his feelings first! I think that�s what�s really f*ckin w/ me right now. I�ve never loved anyone who felt the same way at the same time and yet not been able to pursue it.

I refuse to settle. On that I am very clear. Being anything more than a friend to him is not an option. But I can�t front�

This sh*t is f*ckin painful.

We talked about not being friends at all� just kinda walking away from the whole thing. In fact, at one point, I mentioned wanting to shut it down and we actually went a day without talking.

(Gee... a whole day? LOL!)

Can I tell y�all how freakin' miserable I was??!

I can�t believe how close we�ve gotten in such a short period of time. He�s like someone I�ve always known, but only just met. I can�t picture not having him around anymore. But at the same time...

this is killin me.

xxoxo...macdiva

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