...so how do I handle it?

2002-05-23 // 8:51 a.m.


For the longest time, I have gone out of my way to make people feel comfortable around me. I'm not entirely sure why since I can't ever recall anybody going out of their way to do that shit for me.

Anyway, the end result (apparently) seems to be a complete and total lack of identity.

I smile when I ain't happy, so other folks will be happy...

I do shit I don't want to do because I don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings by saying 'no'...

I lie to myself (and other people) on almost a daily basis about how certain things really make me feel...

Yesterday I was just so tired of the bullshit, I just started sobbing on the bus on my way home. There I was on the B26 crying like a big ole' baby. But I didn't even care. There have been times before when I wanted to just break down and I would just hold it in. (God forbid I should make the person sitting next to me feel uncomfortable.) But I just couldn't deal yesterday.

The work I do is funded by corporations and city agencies and private philanthropists and wrinkled old farts with one foot in the grave tryin to git into heaven.

Well these people who apparently donated alot of money to my agency (and pay for a big chunk of my own salary) made a site visit yesterday. I guess they just wanted to see how their money was being used.

My bosses knew they were coming for two whole weeks. So, can you please tell me why they waited until 15 minutes before they were scheduled to arrive to tell me that I had to proof read and ammend a really important document, write up a summation describing one of my most difficult cases and then be prepared to explain the function and/or functions I serve as a part of this team?

I did it...

But then as they're all about to leave I can hear my boss telling these people, "Oh yes... she's the funny one... I don't know what this place would be like without her... she just keeps us all laughing and laughing... She's great"


Now, I am not happy nearly as much as I pretend to be, and yet I still pretend. Why?? So the people I go out of my way to appease can show me absolutely no consideration and foist unreasonable demands on me without so much as an apology?

Okay. So I'm all pissed off and angry, now, right. So how do I handle it?

I cry.

I cried on my way home...

and at home...

and on my way back here, today.

well guess what...

It didn't help.



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