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... i'm takin a break

07.30.2003 // 12:41 pm

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I'm takin a break.

(yes...another one)

Sometimes I just need to step away from things for a while and try and sort shit out. I've been trying to maintain everything I do and am for other folks. And in the meantime I been neglectin myself like a mofo... making horrible decisions just because the outcome makes me feel good... temporarily. But that shit don't even work no more. I'm too disgusted with all of it. I think the worst feelin in the world is to make a sacrifice for someone only to learn that they don't appreciate it... will probably never acknowledge it... and, in all likelihood, never deserved it to begin with. Shit like that makes you begin to question your value. Not just to that person, but in general. I got so much shit to work out and puttin it all up here is just not doin it for me. At one point, I really did think writing about it was the answer since not writing about it seemed like too big of a feat for me to manage. But I can't keep doing it over and over again. It's getting monotonous.

It feels like I'm wallowing in this shit. I don't know if anybody can really relate to what I'm going through anyway. I mean, you can read about it and say, "Dang. Ole girl got issues." But at the end of the day, what did you get out of reading about this bullshit? Really. I'm still struggling to figure out what I got out of writing about it. It's not like I've made any real progress as far as DC is concerned. If anything, I allowed the shit with him to take me so far outside myself that at times, I don't even recognize me anymore. I still can't believe I actually found myself on the cusp of repeating that pattern. When did I lose all sense of boundaries? When did it become okay to settle? I'm nothing like I was before this experience and I don't know if I'll ever be the same, but I do know that if I don't get some peace and some sanity soon, I ain't gon be good for nuthin. Thus... I'm takin a break.

I'ma still be around, so y'all can still holla. But there ain't gonna be nuthin new up here for a little while, just so you know.

~