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march 2007

04.09.2008 // 7:46 pm

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3.07.07
Coal blew me off last night and now I feel stupid for even puttin myself out there like that. I am not sure how I am going to be when I see him later on today. Part of me feels like I should appear
unaffected. U know... like he doesn't have much of an effect on me anymore. But at the same time I feel like he should know that the things he does has consequences. I guess my big fear is that he is well aware of the effects of his actions and just doesn't give a fuck because I'm not “her”. Its 4 am. I'm going to bed now. Some of us have real jobs to go to in the morning.

Btw... bubbles was friendly 2 days in a row. I don't know what's in the water at that place… I need to raise the fuck up outta there. Bytches is cah-razy!!! K. Nite.

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3/22/07 Spoke to a former friend for the first time since 2004. A lot has changed... it involves what can only be described as a near death experience. I’m not gonna be writing the details, but we are now friends again. Nuff said.

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3.26.07
I went on my 1st date with Jurmany last night. He is the most publicly affectionate guy I have ever dealt with. I did have a couple of issues but there were/are pretty superficial. We went to D&B and had a lot of fun. We won a bunch of tickets but left them in the restaurant. Lol!! We were having fun. It eventually occurred to me that this is the first real date I've been on as a non-big girl. I kept paying attention to little things that happened that would/could never happen in the past. The PDAs are one thing...hand holding kinda happened sometimes in the past. But kissing me at the bar and at the restaurant... me wearing his coat when I got cold... trying on his shades and having him whip out a camera because he just thought I looked so cute in his gear... none of these things would have happened before. I messed up with the "extra" kissing at the end of the date I think. The lil bit that happened on the date was more than enough. I know I was just feeling clingy at that point, so I rolled with it.

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3.30.03
He leaves tomorrow and I am experiencing some anxiety. I am starting to feel attracted to him inspite of a distinct initial non-attraction. I like his style as far as interaction. He's very attentive, but I think I misjudged the likelihood of him being more than the average. His occupation (very exciting) and hobbies (even more exciting) made me have higher expectations, I guess. I need to be careful though that I don't start excusing any fckd up behavior he displays by chalking it up to his youth. He's younger but he's not a little boy....

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3/31/07
Had an AIM convo with Jurmany at 8.30 pm last night. I initiated. He seemed upbeat but less engaged. He then asks me to come up so we can hug and cuddle for a little while, if I felt comfortable with that. I was okay with it except for the hike up there. (He lives waaaaay upstate.) I messed up by explaining why and went off on some tangent about how I can be a lil spoiled but he's just gon have to endulge me. I needed to just say, "No. It's late and I don't want to spend the nite up there." I don't owe
anyone any explanations. I need to learn that. Anyway, the convo ended abruptly. He said something like, "Ok... I understand". I felt a shift though and tried to put a positive spin on things. So I say, "It's not
like I'm never gon come up there. He else are you gonna teach me all about cars and stuff?" (a promise he made before.) He reaction was, "Mmm hmm. We'll see."

Well…

Today, he left for Germany without saying goodbye to me. I went to his website, and saw he had posted a goodbye to the message board people. He won't be back until April 21st and he didn't call or text or anything... Wow... I feel really sad right now.

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3/30/07
Coal is on some new shyte and it is really starting to piss me off. I asked him to come to the job early so that he could run me home and back real quick. I needed receipts for this thing called Teachers Choice. Basically you buy stuff for you calss and save the receipts for it. They send you a check and then about 3 months later you send them the receipts from the stuff you bought. The catch is, if you don’t have enough receipts to cover the amount the paid you in the chaeck, they take the difference back out of your pay check. I forgot mine at home and without the receipts I would be out 200 bucks. He always claiming to be oh so available to me if I need him so I figured I’d ask him to do me the favor. He says ok but at 1.30 texts me to say he had a flood in his basement. Apparently some kinda washing machine issue. Eventually he comes to work and starts some shyte bout how whenever he has to have any kind of interaction with me, bad things happen. No nicca! Its karma! That's what that shyte is! The nerve!!

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