... i hear u
11.28.2006 // 6:40 pm
Coal: U know
Macdiva: What? Do you smell me again?
Coal: I want you sexy but i know what u said. i can't help it
Macdiva: Wow. Sometimes I really wanna talk to you about it, but sometimes I don't. Basically, I can't be for you what you want me to be and vice versa. So in my mind it just made sense for me to fall back.
Coal: wow don't think bout
Macdiva: Don't think about what?
Coal: what stopin u from luvin me in that way.
He used that word again. if i was in a different place, emotionally, I woulda took that shit and just run with it.
Macdiva: I don't believe in trying to change people and you were/are so clear about what you want. I'd be setting myself up.
Coal: what you want?
Macdiva: I want/need someone to take care of. Someone not scared to open up. Somebody who'll tell me all his secrets without being judged. Someone I can teach/ share/ experience new things with. Someone who understands everything I want to give to him and isn't afraid to give it all back in return... and I don't want to share.
A really, really long time went by before he responded to this. I had already started dosing off.
Coal: Share what
Macdiva: Anything. Everything. I feel like I'm talking a whole other language to you and you're just like "what the hell is she babbling about?" See. That's why I keep things to myself. Its just easier.
...I totally put the last statement I made out of my mind,fell asleep and woke up hours later. I reread the messages and then realized I got confused for some reason and thought "share what" refered to what did I want to share with my partner as opposed to "what is it you don't want to share?. It eventually annoyed me that he acted like he didn't know what the fuck I was talking about, but for the moment I decided to send him another message...
Macdiva: I assume you know that "you" are included in "everything"... yeah you probably figured that out... sorry.
Coal: What you talkin about
Macdiva: I was sleep. just woke up and read your response to me sayin I don't like to share.
Macdiva: What are you sorry for?
Coal: Wakin u up
Macdiva: You didn't. Just woke up and saw the msg on the phone.
Coal: Cant sleep
Macdiva: Body clock all messed u p. Woke up at 3am yesterday for no reason. Yawned all day... all through class. Came home and fell asleep round 9. Planned to get up at 10 but my alarm didn't do off. Now I'm awake again. Probably get to sleep around 4 I guess. long weekends mess me up sometimes.
Coal: Need to make u tired
Coal: Thats funny?
Macdiva: yes. you have a one track mind.
Coal: Jus horny 4 u
He's doing that ghetto shit again. I don't even know who he is right now. I feel like I'm on the phone with his penis instead of him. He's really turning me off now. I guess that's a good think though. The more he hits on me, the easier it is for me to see myself without him. I miss the quiet, subtle, shy Coal. He's gone, I think.
Macdiva: Cheated on my diet today. Left class and bought a BK Kids meal. The toy is cool tho. Lol.
Coal: Not good
Macdiva: I know. I really did mean to get a salad. Something just went wrong. Lol
Humor... my most predictable (and transparent) defense mechanism.
Coal: Hey i want u
Macdiva: I know. You told me.
Coal: So help me
Macdiva: I can't
Macdiva: Because I have to start thinking about myself now. I haven't been and now I'm paying for it.
Coal: How u payin 4 it
Macdiva: I'm unhappy
Coal: Let's make happy
Macdiva: Cut it out. I'm serious. What you want will make you happy but its not enough for me. I knew it would eventually get to that point. I remember telling you it would happen when I agreed to this nine months ago. And now it has.
Coal: I hear u
I think he does this time.
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