... I hate him
04.05.2004 // 3:06 pm
I've gotten hurt in every single relationship I've ever been in because even after I realize I should, I just can't manage to walk away and then STAY AWAY. I keep going back for more of the same bullshit. Case and point... DC. How many times have I walked away from him and his needy ass? What the hell am I waiting for? He's a fucking emotional basket case and knowing him hasn't benefited me at all... I'm not the person I was before him and because of him, I'll never be the same. That makes me so angry. But what makes me really angry is that fact that I get physically ill when he's absent. That shit is not healthy. Its not normal.
Anyway, he's been acting really shitty lately and we ended up getting into a huge fight on Friday. I've always known about his mean streak. I've even been on the receiving end a couple of times. But the way he treated me on Friday was beyond explanation. He was mean and irrational and just a total pig. I don't care how much of an emotional basket-fucking- case he is. I had to address that shit. But ofcourse in true DC style, he decided to give me the cold shoulder. So, I ended up writing him a really nasty offline message.
What sucks is that, he is in a really powerful position right now and he knows it. He knows how to hurt me and he does it at will with no remorse I'm the one who gave him that power. He's all I thought about this weekend. EVERY WAKING HOUR, he was on my mind. I wasn't pining for him though. I don't miss him. I hate how he's treating me. And more significantly, I hate HIM.
I hate him for how he treats me. I hate myself for allowing it... encouraging it. There is no love there. The more I think about it, the more I feel like there never was. I experienced my addiction to him... felt him clinging to me... got caoght up in the drama... and I mistook all that bullshit for love. But its not. It never was. I think about him and how I relate to him, and I feel weak and powerless and totally disgusted with him and with myself and with this whole fucking situation.
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