.

.

... bottom line

12.09.2003 // 3:50 pm

=========================================================

After having DC offer to hump me one too many times, I decided to ask him to stop. I was straight forward and direct. But somehow, this morphed into the fuckedupness you see below.

(Rashid, please email me after you read this. I'd email you, but I don't even know what I'd say. I'm not sure why I singled you out. I'd just like to hear from you. k?)

MD (1:59:18 PM): do me a favor
MD (1:59:39 PM): stop offerin me sex when you know you cant come through. all that shyte does is piss me off.
DC (2:01:05 PM): ok
DC (2:01:09 PM): how bout some great head

This part's a lil graphic.

DC (2:01:14 PM): you've never really had good head
DC (2:01:17 PM): til you've had my head
DC (2:01:20 PM): the way i lick it
DC (2:01:24 PM): i start off really slow
DC (2:01:28 PM): lickin all around the lips
DC (2:01:36 PM): slightly ticklin the clit
DC (2:01:48 PM): makin sure i taste your sweet juices
DC (2:01:58 PM): i want it to get really wet
DC (2:02:05 PM): so i can have your juices all over my mouth
MD (2:02:55 PM): um...
DC (2:03:01 PM): o you want me to finish?
MD (2:03:10 PM): [MD] (1:59:39 PM): stop offerin me sex when you know you cant come through. all that shyte does is piss me off.
DC (2:03:12 PM): you like that?
DC (2:03:23 PM): you thinkin bout how it would feel
DC (2:03:31 PM): you know it's gonna be good DC (2:03:32 PM): dont you
MD (2:03:49 PM): <~~ wonders why they ain't got a lil smiley coverin his ears.
MD (2:04:58 PM): gonna be??
MD (2:05:01 PM): ok
MD (2:05:12 PM): u are not reading carefully enough [DC]....
MD (2:05:21 PM): you know you cant come through. all that shyte does is piss me off.
DC (2:08:37 PM): why cant i come thru?
MD (2:09:03 PM): cuz we're not like that anymore
MD (2:09:12 PM): all that stuff you talk about... MD (2:09:15 PM): it aint gon happen.
MD (2:19:06 PM): so all it does is make me feel frustrated
DC (2:20:26 PM): so why you feel frustrated?
DC (2:20:35 PM): and what you mean we not like that anymore?
DC (2:20:40 PM): what's changed?
DC (2:20:55 PM): you sayin i'm not gonna get any?
MD (2:21:39 PM): whenever I think about us now
MD (2:21:51 PM): i just keep rememberin that
MD (2:21:56 PM): its not a big deal
MD (2:22:00 PM): its only sex
MD (2:22:06 PM): it doesn't mean anything
MD (2:22:13 PM): at least that's how you see it.
DC (2:22:32 PM): o really
MD (2:22:38 PM): i'm wrong?
DC (2:24:19 PM): yup
DC (2:24:23 PM): but please continue
MD (2:24:55 PM): continue?
MD (2:24:59 PM): if i'm wrong
MD (2:25:06 PM): explain it to me.
MD (2:25:10 PM): i want to understand.
DC (2:25:45 PM): please continue on how you think i feel/see things...
DC (2:25:58 PM): then i'll cuz yo ass out
DC (2:26:03 PM): i mean explain what's really goin on
MD (2:26:18 PM): <~~ talks too damn much sometimes
MD (2:26:23 PM): well
MD (2:26:37 PM): you do say those words all the time...
MD (2:26:44 PM): "its just sex [MD]... its just sex"
MD (2:26:53 PM): and you are active with several people
MD (2:26:56 PM): so why would i think
MD (2:27:15 PM): that sex with me would mean anything more than sex with anyone else MD (2:27:26 PM): unless of course you love everyone you are sleeping with
MD (2:27:36 PM): which basically amounts to the same thing...
MD (2:27:38 PM): just sex.
MD (2:29:24 PM): um... hello?
DC (2:35:12 PM): o
DC (2:35:20 PM): so you can sleep with the other dude....
DC (2:35:22 PM): and um...
DC (2:35:24 PM): what?
DC (2:35:30 PM): it was more then just sex?

Oh no he didn't!!!

MD (2:35:50 PM): based on how i felt by the time he left, i'd have to say yes.
MD (2:35:57 PM): it was supposed to be "just sex"
MD (2:36:03 PM): you kept beatin that drum
MD (2:36:07 PM): til i felt like
MD (2:36:18 PM): well i'm missin dude and he doesn't seem to be missin me
MD (2:45:47 PM): so maybe he's right
MD (2:45:52 PM): maybe i can just do what he does
MD (2:45:54 PM): and be okay
MD (2:45:56 PM): it just
MD (2:45:59 PM): didnt work out
MD (2:46:02 PM): like that tho.
DC (2:46:21 PM): but my thing is even if it was just sex or maybe it was more to it then that...
DC (2:46:25 PM): you had sex with someone else
DC (2:46:32 PM): and how can you say you have these feelings
DC (2:46:38 PM): and go sleep with someone else
MD (2:46:45 PM): please dont do that [DC]

I can't believe he'd doubt my feelings for him

DC (2:46:55 PM): you're doin the same thing i'm doin
MD (2:47:00 PM): no i'm not
DC (2:47:01 PM): you know what's possible and what aint
DC (2:47:07 PM): so you have to make decisions
DC (2:47:08 PM): stop
DC (2:47:16 PM): put your life on hold cuz you love someone else
DC (2:47:20 PM): that lives 400 miles away
MD (2:47:38 PM): you think that's what I'm doing?
DC (2:47:47 PM): hol on
DC (2:50:47 PM): or you can move on with your life
DC (2:50:51 PM): not sayin you have to stop lovin someone
DC (2:50:57 PM): but you have to keep it real with yourself
DC (2:51:04 PM): it's not likely you'll see this person often
DC (2:51:10 PM): shit couple times a year if you're lucky
DC (2:51:29 PM): so am i suppose to just stop everything?
DC (2:51:35 PM): that wouldnt be fair to myself
DC (2:51:48 PM): i've had to suppress my feelings for you cuz in the long run it would just cause pain
DC (2:51:55 PM): how can i love someone that lives 400miles away
DC (2:52:12 PM): and have a relationship with that person

Um... when exactly did I say I wanted a relationship?

DC (2:52:19 PM): it just isnt physically possible DC (2:52:31 PM): and i would be crazy to ask you to stop lovin anyone else
DC (2:52:34 PM): or to stop meetin guys
DC (2:52:40 PM): cuz i want you for me
DC (2:52:42 PM): and only me
DC (2:52:52 PM): NOT TO MENTION my lil situation at home
DC (2:52:57 PM): it's just to much
DC (2:52:58 PM): bottom line is
DC (2:53:04 PM): [MD] i love you
DC (2:53:05 PM): always have
DC (2:53:20 PM): just gotta make decisions that would better our relationship in the long run
DC (2:53:26 PM): sex is not just sex when you love someone
DC (2:53:29 PM): it's a bonus to the love
DC (2:53:40 PM): now it can be just sex
DC (2:53:44 PM): but not in this case
DC (2:53:49 PM): nuff said
DC (2:53:52 PM): so what you doin this weekend?

What? He wants to come now??

MD (2:54:40 PM): i'm going to another conference
MD (2:54:44 PM): upstate in Saratoga.
DC (2:55:10 PM): damn
DC (2:55:14 PM): and you dont even get overtime...
DC (2:55:22 PM): will you be takin a day off durin the week?
MD (2:55:31 PM): i can take the time when i need it
MD (2:55:44 PM): week after next I'll prolly take a day
MD (2:55:56 PM): its hard cuz they're flexable with that kind of thing
MD (2:55:58 PM): but
MD (2:56:05 PM): i have alot of things going on right now
MD (2:56:10 PM): so i need to be here.
MD (2:56:27 PM): can i ask you something?
MD (2:57:00 PM): [DC] (2:51:29 PM): so am i suppose to just stop everything?
MD (2:57:14 PM): is that what you got from what i said?
DC (2:57:30 PM): no
DC (2:57:36 PM): well kinda
DC (2:57:43 PM): cuz you mentioned that i have sex with other folks
DC (2:57:55 PM): my thing is you've had sex too
DC (2:58:05 PM): so in a way you're doin the same thing
DC (2:58:23 PM): realizin that you gotta keep it movin
MD (3:00:35 PM): i brought that up only to say, that you are okay with sex for sex sake and i'm not. i know because i tried it and ended up getting hurt when feelings developed then i didn't bank on. i'm not judging what you do. you were doin it long before you even knew i existed. i just know how i feel and that sex with you isn't just sex for me. that's all. i mentioned other people only because i didn't think you made a distinction between me and anyone else you happen to be sleeping with.
MD (3:01:07 PM): as far as putting my life on hold...
MD (3:01:31 PM): i think what you see as me being at a stand still is just me taking time to reevaluate this whole thing
MD (3:01:42 PM): there are things i am very clear on
MD (3:01:50 PM): and then there are things that i'm not so clear on
MD (3:02:11 PM): and i feel like its important for me to be in a good place before i try and start anything new.
DC (3:02:11 PM): hol up
DC (3:02:17 PM): i'm not sayin you put your life on hold for me

I wish I never brought this up

MD (3:15:35 PM): i dont feel good
DC (3:16:36 PM): what's wrong?
MD (3:16:51 PM): i dont know
MD (3:16:57 PM): i just dont feel good
MD (3:17:31 PM): i feel like i said alot
MD (3:17:36 PM): but i'm not sure you heard me
MD (3:17:45 PM): i dont like feelin like that
MD (3:18:04 PM): like i just exposed a bunch of shit
MD (3:18:17 PM): that's left to interpretation.
Yahoo! Messenger: [DC] has logged out. (12/9/2003 4:46 PM)

~