.

.

Feb. 7th to Feb. 24th of 08

11.29.2008 // 5:35 pm

=========================================================

2.7.08
Spoke to TJ for three and a half hours last night. That's the second night in a row. He's been late to work three nites on account of it. But, that's not really what I wanna write about.

I have this, almost, irrational anger towards Coal. Its not even anger really. I don't know what it is. I just know I am not in a good place. He's like this living, breathing, annoying regret that keeps kicking up this emotion in me. He came in my room on Tuesday and made this huge ruckus as soon as he figured out I was on the phone with a guy. TJ couldn't hear me so we got off the phone. As soon as we did, the ruckus ended. It wasn't a big deal.... just Coal being petty-ass Coal. But I swear I wanted to knock his fckn block OFF! You hear me?! I was P.I. Pissed!

Then yesterday, he comes in and announces that my boss is gonna help him get into a better position in the Board of Ed. Again... this news didn't really warrant a reaction. But I feigned preoccupation as he told me about his little plan with a wink and a nudge as if I should be happy for him. Well, I wasn't. I'm sick of everybody bending over backwards to be nice to someone who, in all actuality, is NOT a nice person. Even I do that shit and I just don't get it!! Oooh it makes me so mad!

So along comes TJ who is genuinely a nice guy. I have never met somebody so nice! I think back on how suspicious I was of him and how quick I was/am to jump to conclusions and see it all as evidence of just how damaged I really am. I'm so nervous. I am digging TJ right now, but I've got a few issues with him. I sat down today planning my life, trying to figure out how he would fit into it if things were to really work out. I worked in increments of 5 years. I was okay until I kept adding 5 years and realized I'd be well past my prime by the time he'd be just getting warmed up. He calls A LOT. He's definitely interested. It's not a sexual relationship and it feels SO good. There's a mutual attraction but its tempered by a mutual respect that makes the whole thing feel so full of potential. He's not afraid to open up about his past or his goals for the future or even his fears and insecurities. I'm fascinated by him. Plus he seems like he'd be ultra-supportive of anything I chose to do with my life. It really is just my age (yes, mine... not his) and my fear of the future that's making me uncomfortable right now. I don't want my baggage to poison this situation. He is such a sweetheart.

2.9.08
I spoke to TJ last night and past relationships came up in the conversation. I was smart enough to know that I needed to proceed with caution but he really did share some pretty intimate stuff. While he was talking, all I could wonder was "How can he be so open and trusting?" I've never met any guy who's ego would allow him to let a woman see that side of him so soon... ESPECIALLY not someone so young! I've only been talking to dude since November. That's still considered soon right? Yo, I don't even know anymore. What are the rules? Am I fckn this up??
.....
11:30 pm
DC is coming to New York. Ummmhmmm....
I have nothing to add. Just that he's coming to New York on February 22nd.

2.10.08
Didn't speak to TJ at all today. It bothered me but I still refuse to call. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I just know I don't wanna mess this one up. V-Day is on Thursday. If he ends up not calling before and it ends up being just another day then I'll take that as a definite sign that I should persue other options. It's pretty obvious to me, already, that I am too into him. I hate not having control. :-(

2.11.08 7:24 pm
No TJ again today... and today is his day off. He works so much but he told me that he wanted to start seeing me at least once a week. So why not call on your day off? *sigh* Why do I torture myself like this? I'm gonna call. I don't want to but I'm going to. This is a bad sign.

2.12.08
Okay... so, I didn't call but I did send a text. It said, "hey u... hope you're getting your rest and getting to work on time. Hahahaa." And then I waited... no call. So then, I called him... He answered the phone, "Hey Sweetie!" He sounded genuinely happy to hear from me, but, then again, what do I know? I answered with just as much enthusiasm, "Hi!" He said,"Hi!"
I said,"It's snowing!" He said, "I know! I'm late for work! Hahahahaa!"
I laughed too and said,"No way! Are you serious?" He said,"Yup" and then immediately added, "The only reason I didn't call you is I didn't wanna 'over talk' my welcome. I was like, 'Damn, this girl gon get tired of talkin' to me so much." :-)

2.13.08
No date tomorrow. I spent mad time trying to find the perfect spot... one that's not too romantic but still cozy wouldn't be too crowded with v-day folks but wouldn't be completely dead either. I found the place and then my phone rings and he tells me he's gonna have to take a raincheck for tomorrow. I deserve a fckn Oscar for the performance I gave. I was heated as shyte but didn't wanna let it show.

He told me his car was messed up and he couldn't drive it. To tell you the truth, he actually gave me a lot more detail than that but, honestly, after "raincheck" all I heard was "blah blah blah blah blah blah."

Then all of a sudden I have a flashback to last night. I was half sleep... my phone rang... Yo! I remembered! He called me from the tow truck! Oh shyte! His car really did get fckd up! It all started coming back... he called me while he rode all kindsa planes, trains and automobiles trying to get home from one job, back out to the other, and then back home from there. It was a mess. I was soooo tired. I prolly just babbled something incoherent, but do I remember him telling me bout his ordeal as it was happening. So now I'm disappointed but I can't really be mad cuz he did tell me what happened and it really wasn't his fault. After that he broke my heart by, literally, begging me not to hold it against him that our plans got cancelled cuz of his hooptie of a car. Lol!! Okay. I am so feeling him. I'm really scared now.

2.16.08
Women always say we want a man who's sensitive and in touch with his feelings and it seems like that's the kinda guy I've found.

2.18.08
Spoke to DC... he got a vasectomy! Lawd Geesus!! What is happening? Everything about life as I know it is changing! Not that his sperm count is any of my business, but I'm just sayin. He said he got it done a while back. Wow. I guess with four kids by three women, that shyte was kinda necessary. LOL!!

2.22.08
DC came... so did I.

2.23.08
TJ called while I was on my way to the museum with DC. He knew a "friend" was comin to visit but didn't know it was a guy. I told him I'd call him back. 2 hrs went by and DC left for home. I called TJ 3 times and he didn't answer his phone. Few hours later it was turned off. Round midnite it was on again but he didn't answer. I have a bad feeling about this. He sounded down when he called but... nah... he's okay.

2.24.08
Sent s text to TJ: "hey r u ok?". No answer. Hmmmmm.....

~