Oct. 8th to Oct 11th of 07
11.29.2008 // 3:23 pm
It's 10:00 am now and I still got Coal on the brain. I need to sit down and actually come up with something concrete to keep me focused. I have IEPs, running records, and conference notes to do. Yet, this fool is occupying all my brain power. That's gonna stop...
* I'm walking out the building at 3:15 just like I said I would back in September. The only reason I'd stay late would be to fix my classroom environment up. Everything else is gonna get done at home.
* I am not taking any calls after 9 o'clock at night.
* If I get a call before then, I will ALWAYS be busy.
* I will return to dland so that I don't feel the need to tell my business to ANYONE in that building.
* I need to actively persue finding a new full time job I like. I don't feel like going back to school for another Masters degree. I'm gonna look into non-profit dv work again. If I could work downtown, I think I would be happy. I could also look into working in one of the little boutiques downtown even if its just in the summer time or maybe something related to weight loss or weight management. I'll think of something. I am actually considering taking on a position as a pre-k para while I do a certification in early childhood education. It would be a HUGE pay cut, but so much easier and less stressful while I'm in school.
With all this stuff to focus on, I wouldn't have even one spare moment to think about Coal and my fictionalized idea of this situation. It's so embarassing to think that I am even stuck on this fool again. I was so proud of myself for walking away from him last November. It was so painful, but I was okay. Then, like a fckn idiot, I let him back in again. Nothing changed for the better. If anything, it's worse. I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. I know exactly how this ends.
I am so fckn angry with myself. I need to just leave that place and forget about everyone and everything associated with it. Until then, I need a new mantra; one that will keep me steeped in reality so that I am able to stay away from him and still be personable. I am hardwired for both jealousy and insecurity, so its ultra-important that I am with an honorable man. That has to stay at the front of my mind.
2:02 pm ... I'm sittin here listening to Track 10 on Justin Timberfake's cd and it has me crying like a baby. Coal told me on Friday that that is his favorite song right now. I liked it as soon as I heard it so it thought it was cool that he liked it too. Now, just like so many other songs, it sux to listen to it because it conjures up a memory I really don't wanna deal with. That's not what made me start to cry though. I was on Yahoo IM and started talking to DC. After about 10 minutes or so he begins telling me about some girl he met on BlkPlnt. He drove to Philly to see her. I stopped him right there and basically told him I didn't wanna here about it. That shit hurt so bad. The only reason I started a conversation with him was because I was feeling so alone. I was hoping to get a little support from him. Instead he's on some ole sex sht just like every other nicca around me. He had the nerve to ask me if the reason I didn't wanna hear it was because I was so horny I wouldn't be able to control myself. What! This asshole tries to be funny at the worse possible moments! I swear, I aint even answer that shyte. I just logged off. Sometimes my life just sucks beyond all reason.
A cold has completely taken my voice away from me. But that didn't stop me from being really open with Coal about how I see him. I told him I don't believe anything he tells me. He only sees what he wants to see and he played a huge part in my personality changing and me being less lovey dovey with even my students. He was offended...or alest he pretended to be. I don't matter to him at all. I think I garnered a little more power by making it clear that I am not some deluded little girl. I know where I stand. I ended by walking out the door and reminding him "What we have is your lil red wagon. You can push it or pull it. I'm just along for the ride." He claimed that we would continue the conversation but I know he will avoid it. He kept telling me over and over how much he didn't wanna talk about it. I'm not gonna push it. He gets the idea now. Btw... he never even mentioned the fact that he said he'd call this weekend. But it is just another example of how he is just one of the most unreliable people I know. I feel strong today.
According to Coal he was jus busting my chops and wasn't really all that offended. Gee... that really took the wind outta my sails.
Coal has a hold on me that I do not understand. I was totally beside myself this weekend when I didn't see him. Today he was flirtin and kissin on me and I just ate it up. I gave him a lil slick talk, but for the most part I was putty in his hands and he knew it.
Talked a lil with Coal about his mom losing her hair. Apparently she took her scarf off her head for the first time and has no hair at all. It was hard for him to see that. He will be devastated if she passes. He walked away at one point and seemed so sad. I feel dumb admitting it, but I wish he didn't walk away. I want to support him right now. Truth be told, I'd much rather be that kind of friend than the nonsense we've got going on right now.
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May 5th to May 12th of 08 - 11.29.2008