... I'm 'bout to finish up
2003-02-26 // 12:41 p.m.
I'm dead serious about finishing this thing today. It's been a part of my subconscious for way too many days as it is.
So we huggin....
Finally, we let go and I lead him upstairs to my bedroom. I'm a little embarassed because I'm living out of boxes and bags still. But I warned him, and he said he didn't care. I didn't feel like he was judging me either since he knows I only recently moved.
After my mini-breakdown, just before his arrival, I went back and forth trying to figure out what sort of lighting would be appropriate. (Ain't dat some shit?) I'm thinkin, the fact that he's in my bedroom sort of provides built in intimacy. I don't wanna look like I'm orchestrating anything. But at the same time, he knows just about all there is to know about me, including the fact that given the choice between either overhead lighting or pitch darkness broken only by the streetlight bleeding in through my blinds, I will aways chose the latter. I eventualy decided to keep them on. We would decide later what to do. (sometimes I can be so freakin anal)
Well... I'm not sure exactly how much time passed before we actually smiled at each other and said "Hi", but afterwards we sat and talked for over an hour about "her" and what happened and the fact that his babies saw and how responsible he felt for so much of what happened (and continues to happen).
I feel sad for him and scared for me.
He done been through some major shit and I want to be there for him --- as a friend. But I ain't foolin nobody (especially him). I want so much more than friendship. But since I'm on some ole "gotta guard my heart" shit, all can do is play my position.
So I climb up to the head of my bed and sit Indian style, watching him stare at my floor as he tells me how confused he is and how worried he is about the future and how guilty he feels for making his daughter cry (even though, in my opinion, that wasn't entirely his fault) "My youngins neva shoulda seen that."
He doesn't say too much after that and since I'm learnin to become more comfortable with pregnant pauses in the midst of difficult conversations, I let it breathe...
And he let's me watch him undress.
(brb... for real... It's 12:45 now, I'm just goin to get lunch and then I'm gonna come back and finish this today. So much changed in the last 12 days... I gotta finish today.... i'll be back)
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