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... clarity

2003-01-10 // 1:07 p.m.

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Please know that this my 4th attempt at writing this damn entry:

I can't even fuckin think straight. I'm tired of pretending that I'm cool with this shit when inside my soul is on fire. I went home last night trying to rationalize making what I know would be the wrong decision. My faulty ass ho-logic lead me to the conclusion that a bond like ours... a bond that exists with the constant threat of abandonment is inherently stronger that one based on legal, social or financial obligation because if he can kick me to the curb at any point but chooses not to, then that in itself must serve as a sign of the validity of this... this... "thing". I can't even call it a relationship. I don't know what the fuck it is. It's not a friendship. That's straight bullshit. We both know it's way more than that. And until now it was real and valuable... at least to me. Anyway... today, I've achieved clarity. I didn't have it before, although I did do a kick-ass job of pretending. Ironically have him to thank for setting things straight for me...

AL: you're really an important piece of my life and that really shouldn't be the case. i have a "situation" and shit and i need to understand that before i make irrational choices * ... well i got a better handle on this situation now, so we should be straight.

MACDIVA: that's impressive... how you can just sort of will yourself to feel or not feel something. that takes talent or skill or something. very impressive.

AL: it's what has to be done before * either of us really gets hurt. it would weigh heavy on my heart if i knew i hurt you.

( * I think it may be a little late for that)

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